Category: Uncategorized

Marie Stopes’ ‘professionalism’

It’s worth reading yesterday’s Parliamentary debate on late term abortions here, * if you have not already done so. Nadine Dorries will undoubtedly and some would say deservedly, get it in the neck from all sides with regards to her point of view.

What is very clear is that Nadine is not what we would traditionally describe as pro-life as she supports quick and easy early abortion. Furthermore she professes to have no issue with Marie Stopes, praising them in fulsome terms for caring about the health of the woman, for being ‘professional’ and ‘non-advocacy driven’, when questioned about their presence in Northern Ireland.

That’s something that I would take issue with, my personal experience of Marie Stopes is not a positive one. I don’t think a friend of mine would agree with that assessment either. She aborted a much-wanted child on the grounds of foetal abnormality. Marie Stopes gave her a very bleak one-sided analysis of the baby’s prognosis which affected her decision. Had she known then, what she knows now about the condition and the huge amount of support available then she would have made an entirely different choice. Furthermore they botched the procedure itself, when she rang them up shortly afterwards bleeding and in agony they told her that what she was experiencing was normal. It was only when she collapsed in agony some months later and was admitted to A&E that she discovered that she had significant cervical scarring that required corrective surgery which could leave her infertile. Fortunately she has gone on to have another beautiful child, but no thanks to Marie Stopes. Significantly, because these complications occurred after leaving their premises, they do not count towards the official statistics that abortion providers compile regarding complications resulting from surgery. Another of her criticisms is that the staff at Marie Stopes were rude, cold, clinical and perfunctory and lacking in all compassion.

In terms of  Marie Stopes’ operation in Belfast, what is clear is that they are operating on the very boundaries of the law – the Northern Ireland Committee for Justice are currently investigating and require assurances that the clinic will work within the existing legal framework, which actually prohibits abortion in the vast majority of circumstances.

Professional and non-advocacy driven? Here they are admitting to performing illegal abortions around the world.

Of equal concern is Marie Stopes’ involvement in India, delivering ‘Population Health Services’, where forced abortion and illegal abortion on the grounds of gender is rife. According to the film-makers of itsagirlmovie, the film I saw hosted by Lord Alton in Parliament earlier this week, doctors are never prosecuted for providing illegal ultrasounds to ascertain the gender of a baby, nor for providing the illegal gender-selective abortions. Men are not prosecuted for crimes of violence against their wives, such as beating them because they have failed to provide a son, or for violently coercing them into an abortion. Dr Mutu Khurana is still fighting for justice, 7 years after her husband pushed her down the stairs when she was 7 months pregnant with her twin girls after refusing to abort them. The doctor who surreptiously performed the illegal ultrasound has yet to be prosecuted and Dr Khurana has faced death threats for pursuing her case. She reported how one medic threatened to rape her if she would not agree to keep her silence. This is not a problem restricted to the poorer strata of society either. Reggie LittleJohn, founder of Women without Frontiers, described how even educated and rich families still resort to female foeticide. The reason being that the more money a family has, the more that has to be given away via the dowry system, laws against which are not enforced. One has to wonder, what Marie Stopes is doing, funded by the UK government in terms of the UN development fund and the UK Department for International development, operating in a country where respect for women and their rights is non-existent. Far from being non-agenda driven, they are complicit in furthering gendercide, even if, as they would claim, it is unwitting.

Serious questions also have to be asked as to what on earth Marie Stopes thinks it is doing operating in China, again funded by the UK Department for International Development, partnering Chinese population and family planning commissions. China is one of the countries where the greatest abuse of womens’ rights occurs. We heard from women who had been rounded up by the family planning police and given forced abortions. One woman told of how she hid behind the door, heart thumping as the police, who act upon tip-offs given by paid informants, raided her home. The police did not find her, however due to having committed the crime of having three children, her and her husband were forced to leave their village, splitting up their children amongst relatives and now work in one of China’s notorious factories to send enough money for their keep. They now see their children once a year. Reggie Littlejohn also told of how workers in Chinese factories are routinely forced to have a monthly strip-search by their supervisors in order to prove they are not pregnant. If they refuse they are taken to hospital for a check and if they refuse such a check they are fired. Any women found to be pregnant are forced to abort.

Regardless of one’s views of Nadine Dorries’ campaign to reduce the limit, one has to admire her passion and unyielding determination to end the cruelty of late-term abortion. The problem is, that if we are going to correctly  frame abortion in term’s of womens’ rights then we cannot praise an organisation that does so much to blight the lives of women and their babies around the globe. Marie Stopes, like BPAS, are ideological,  advocacy-driven, operate on the margins of the law and are complicit in the devaluation and destruction of women worldwide. If they truly cared, they would not operate in these areas where gendercide is such a problem, let alone collude with governments who are driving the agenda.

The only qualification for calling Marie Stopes professional is the way they abort unborn babies with such ruthless efficiency. Their presence in any country is an enormous blow for women’s rights. I’d like to see the next debate discuss why taxpayers should fund such atrocities.

* NB It’s also worth looking at the remarks of Diane Abbot who claims that it is “not right to talk about coerced abortion”, obviously a head in sand approach is best. Fiona Bruce, vice-chair of the all-party Parliamentary pro-life committee has called for an enquiry into foetal pain as well as an examination as to the effects of late-term abortion upon women. That seems to me to be an entirely sensible approach to this issue.

One in three

On the subject of imports from the abortion industry, I see the US has now picked up the rhetoric of the soft marketing messages used by the UK abortion clinics and sex education providers. The Guttmacher Institute, funded by Planned Parenthood , the US’s largest abortion provider, has launched a new 1 in 3 campaign, stating that 1 in 3 women will obtain an abortion before the age of 45. Sound familiar?

As the Right to Know campaign pointed out last year, this ‘statistic’ is trotted out time and time again, in order to validate abortion as an option. The best-selling academic and author, Dr Robert Cialdini, Professor of Psychology at Arizona State university, describes ‘social proof’ as being one of the six key principles of persuasion. People are more willing to take a certain or recommended course of action if they see evidence of others doing it, particularly if they perceive those others as being similar to themselves. So it’s highly likely that a woman considering abortion could well be persuaded by the ‘evidence’ of other women. Social proof is most influential if someone is undecided as to a particular behaviour, they look to what other people are doing and observe that as correct. A technique which is doubly effective if they identify with the other subjects in some way.

So it’s highly likely that a young person who is yet undecided as to the issue of abortion, will encounter this message on an Education for Choice website and be convinced – if one in three women are having an abortion, then it must be not only necessary, but also perfectly acceptable, surely? The same goes for a woman with an unplanned pregnancy in an ambiguous situation who is unsure of what to do. The fact that 1 in 3 women allegedly have an abortion is only there to influence her decision. Surely what other people do should be of no relevance, in terms of her own personal situation? If pro-choice is all about doing what is right for that individual woman in her particular circumstances, what does it matter what other people have done?

There is no reason to include that statistic other than to attempt to influence opinion. Still it’s very sneaky indeed. Simcha Fischer from the National Catholic Register gives some insight as to who these one in three women are.

Robyn Reed is one of the one in three. When she tried to escape from the abortion clinic where her family had dragged her, the abortionist tore off her clothes, hit her, tied her to a bed, aborted her child, and drugged her so heavily that she was unconscious for twelve hours. Reed was fifteen years old at the time. She is one of the one in three women in America who obtains an abortion.

This mother is one of the one in three. When doctors told her she would die if she didn’t abort, she refused and refused, but finally agreed to be induced early, on the condition that they would try to save her baby’s life. She delivered a son, and no one made any effort to help him. He died in her arms. Later, she discovered that he was healthy, and that she had never been at risk. She is one of the three women in America who obtains an abortion.

Here are notarized affidavits from women who were pressured into having abortions. Each of these women is one of the one in three women in America who obtains an abortion.

Here are hundreds of pages of written testimony from women who were forced or coerced into abortions. Each of these women is one of the one in three women in America who obtains an abortion.

Here and here and here are hundreds of accounts written by women who had an abortion and regret it. Over and over again, they use the phrase, “I felt like I didn’t have a choice.” Each one of these women is one of the one in three women in America who obtains an abortion. They are part of the one in three.

These are the women the Guttmacher Institute is counting when they used numbers to make the claim that women want and need abortion.

This is what the “1 in 3” Campaign seeks to normalize: pain, regret, coercion, violence, despair. It is a campaign to make women understand that abortion is normal, abortion is their fate — that they have no choice.

Personally I’d like to see the stats behind one in three. Is it really one in every three women who have had an abortion before the age of 45? How has this figure been worked out? The ONS doesn’t routinely give out statistics regarding first time and repeat abortions unless one submits a Freedom of Information request, so how can we vouch for the veracity of the figure. Is this just the number of abortions averaged out between the number of childbearing women in the UK. According to this American campaign 22% of pregnancies end in abortion, but 1 in 3 women will have one. It seems that they have done a straight averaging job here, which means women who have had repeat abortions will skew the statistics, as will women who have never fallen pregnant. I’d love to see the raw data.

Even if the figure is true, what does that say about our society? One in three women are in such desperate and dire circumstances that they have no other choice than to abort their unborn baby? Or is it that contraception fails one in three women? Whatever the answer, it’s certainly not something that anyone should be treating with a healthy dose of pragmatism, unless of course we really do live in the culture of death.

Blogging hiatus

After giving the matter much thought, it seems the time is right for me to take a short break from blogging. There is much going on in our lives at present, such as Robin’s discernment process and the imminent arrival of our next child, both of which require all of my spiritual and emotional attention.

In some ways this should prove a great lesson in personal self-control and spiritual humility, there have been many topics of late, that I would have relished the opportunity to disseminate in detail, not least the recent abortion, teen pregnancy and STI statistics, as well as various liturgical and spiritual reflections, but as fellow bloggers will be aware, blogging takes a certain amount of emotional investment and energy, which could be put to better use at the current time.

Those who have been regular readers, will be aware that for some time now I have been subjected to an online hate campaign, which has terrified me in terms of its intensity and spite. For those who say ‘it’s just the internet’, what has happened has spilled over into real-life. The ever-perceptive Joseph Shaw demonstrated an awareness of the impact that cyber-bullying can have. I would like to offer my thanks and appreciation to him, a relative stranger who reached out a hand of comfort and support in a spirit of true Christian caritas, identifying a person experiencing very real suffering and distress, not just a cyber-nemesis or faceless online persona. I also owe Fr Ray Blake and anyone else who offered prayers and support my sincere thanks.

A Catholic colleague and friend and to whom I owe an enormous debt of gratitude,  was one of the first to be contacted in relation to this matter and who like many others, watched the furious feeding frenzy unfold with increasing horror, took a lot of time and painstaking effort to unravel what had been occurring and get to the bottom of matters. He has written a very long and very detailed 80 page, 42,000 word document that forensically deconstructs and disproves every single claim and allegation that has been made. If anyone who has been party to any of this nonsense would like to read a copy of it, please contact me, and I will send you the .pdf document in its entirety. The main protagonists will be offered a copy and an opportunity to publically apologise, so in order to offer them the natural justice that was denied to me, I shall resist the temptation to name names in the event that retractions and apologies are forthcoming.

In the meantime, I’ll quote from the executive summary and conclusion, to give a general flavour.

Since March 2012, Caroline Farrow has been the victim of online mobbing, supposedly justified because Caroline herself allegedly engaged in online bullying, abuse, and gossip with a view to damaging the reputations of others. Having examined all allegations and evidence presented to me, I believe the claims made about Caroline to be baseless. Even had there been some truth to those allegations, I do not believe that would genuinely justify how she has been treated over recent months. 

Over the past two months, those who have supported Caroline or even due process and basic principles of justice have themselves been subject to scurrilous abuse and angry accusations. 

The thesis that Caroline has engaged in sockpuppetry, notably via the @stopanticath account, is frankly absurd. Aside from @stopanticath being different from Caroline in tone, content, and approach, he, she, or they have tweeted while Caroline has been live on air on both television and the radio, and while she’s been sitting talking to friends over dinner or in the pub. 

In real terms, the worst that can be said about Caroline in connection with these matters is that she’s a fine case study in how not to respond to online bullying, but it’s far easier as a spectator to talk of how one ought to respond than it is to handle things well when being bullied.

There is no shortage of apologies due here.

It makes no difference to me whether one person, or several thousand read it, but for me, part of the healing process involves an attempt to clear my name, although I am well aware that what is written will not convince anyone who wishes to believe the worst, despite compelling evidence to the contrary.

For now I need to walk away but on my own terms, in order to let the dust settle on this affair, to regroup, re-charge and concentrate my energies upon my spiritual life and my family, in a spirit of genuine humility, uniting and offering up my pain, anguish, sense of injustice and loss to Our Lord on the cross.

It is my hope that there shall be a glorious resurrection, I shall return, but with a more pronounced focus on pro-life affairs in particular and able to rise above all of the inevitable online backbiting, none of which does anything to extol Gospel virtues.

In the meantime, if anyone would like to avail themselves of my services, not least in terms of some of the data and graphs I have been collating, please drop me a line. I am also still available for any writing commissions or opportunities that may present themselves, but only in a format that does not leave myself open for abuse.

It’s time to draw a line.

List of bloggers in solidarity with Cranmer

Stuart James of EChurchblog has listed all those bloggers who have posted a copy of the coalition for marriage advertisement in solidarity with Archbishop Cranmer.

I have asked him to include my name on the list and posted a comment asking if he would include me but still no response. Hence, here’s the updated list, together with erm – me!

Sorry to be provocative, it’s not my intention, but I find this kind of behaviour from a fellow Christian blogger, not only baffling but deeply distressing. Obviously he doesn’t want me in “his gang”. It seems really petty, but I’m pretty much at the end of my tether to be honest. This is one of the reasons that I am considering closing the blog, because the only way I can process some of the hurt is to write about it, but doing so is perceived as unhelpful. From my perspective, this is really the straw that has broken the camel’s back. Being excluded as some kind of ‘undesirable’ for something that I haven’t done following a public whispering and hate campaign, on top of a stressful pregnancy.

Still, I can be consoled that Christ wants me in His Church, as flawed and imperfect as I undoubtedly am.

I hoped that Christians could move beyond the schoolyard politics. Clearly some of us have some way to go.

Lisa Graas, Ben, Prodicus, Tangled Web, Tim Worstall, Boiling Frog, Vic, Roger, The Bones,LMS, Part Time Pilgrim, Admiral Creedy, Neil Addison, Opinionated Catholic, John, Creative Minority Report, Richard, Nic, Ruari, David, Calvin, Max Farquar, Stand Firm, Nick, Harry’s Place, Lazarus, James, Chris, Mulier Fortis, Melon Farmers, Defend Marriage Scotland,Anglican Mainstream, David, Steve Kneale, Woman on a Raft, Fr Finigan, NSS, Mundabor,Maria Stops Abortion, Ecumenical Dialogue, BritNorAmFreedom, New Zealand Conservative,Quid Deinde, Ed West (Telegraph), Peter Ould, Dr Jim West, Gillan, John and of course Me.

Update: Patricius, Annie Elizabeth (Defende nos in proelio) and CrookedasCorkscrews have also joined the ranks.

Let me know of anyone else. I believe Heresy Corner has commented and Jack of Kent plans to do so also.

Pax vobiscum.

A revolutionary act

By now many bloggers will have followed the example of Dr Joseph Shaw and added the Coalition for Marriage advertisement by way of expressing support for Archbishop Cranmer, who despite being a long-dead heretic, remains, in my humble opinion, the best religio-politico blogger on the net. It is a shame that His Grace is long since deceased, in his current incarnation he stands head and shoulders above the rest of the field of potential candidates for the see of Canterbury.

Neil Addison has the URL of the banner on his site, for anyone experiencing difficulties in uploading the advertisement to their sidebar. Every single proponent of free speech must stand up and prepare to be counted against this moral tyranny.

I cannot say anything that has not already been eloquently articulated elsewhere, suffice to say Orwell would be spinning. That’s if he’s not already in terms of the execrable, mediocre sub-GCSE level ranting that is spewed out by bullies, bigots and plagiarists that passes as political writing these days and awarded recognition by the liberal ‘elite’ in his name.

Mind you since Orwell’s openly expressed aversion to religion, that can come as no surprise. It is a tragedy that as Christians we seem to have failed to demonstrate how correctly understood, taught and lived-out Christian morality can be applied to the greatest social issues of our age. It is, without a doubt, the best counter-weapon to the scourge of the Big Brother mentality, ever devised.

Marriage is the union of one man and one woman for the purposes of procreation.

During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act. – George Orwell

Parting of friends?

A few years ago, before Robin and I got married, someone said to me, “you know what I can’t believe that you are a Catholic, you’re attractive, have loads of fun and seem so normal”! When we were dating I incurred plenty of incredulous looks when explaining what it was that my boyfriend did, not to mention salacious comments. I remember talking this over with a Catholic priest at the time, who said to me that it was precisely for those reasons, he thought, rather flatteringly, that I was a “great ambassador for Catholicism”.

This is why I have always been very open about my identity and probably at times, too open about some of the issues that I/we have faced. I didn’t begin to blog in order to present myself as a pious example of sanctity, but to share some of my insights and struggles in trying to live my vocation as a Catholic wife and mother. My aim was not to present myself as an object of admiration, quite the opposite, to demonstrate that like every other human being, I am fallible, I am fallen, but nonetheless trying my best. I hoped that by sharing some of my journey and insights, some of my joys and sorrows, I could thereby inspire others which is why I shared my identity.

One upside of being very open about my identity is that it forced me to be fairly circumspect and also ensure that I exercised the requisite charity in my dealings with others. The flip side to this, is that it has left me very open to attack from all quarters. What has become very obvious is that actually I don’t have the constitution to cope with with non-stop personal abuse. Over the past few years, there is not one single element of my life that has not been picked over in meticulous detail, no element has been spared, my family and children have been thought fair game and even the colour of my shoes worn on a recent TV appearance were used as ammunition.

It is a pretty open secret that I have been the subject of a despicable whispering and hate campaign, in which everyone with whom I have had any sort of relationship has been contacted with increasingly outrageous allegations. It is claimed that I am operating several twitter accounts under various pseudonyms and any time any anonymous unpleasant remarks appear on any blogs of those with whom I have disagreements, these are definitely my doing. It seems that every day a fresh allegation is thrown my way, all of them increasingly wild and tenuous. The latest I heard was that someone had traced an IP address to a road a few miles away from where I live, had a look on Google street view, saw a nursery and decided that was my modus operandi. I specifically go to a nursery a few miles away from where I live in order to secretly troll and abuse other people. As someone received a blog comment 4 years ago from this very same IP, it therefore *must* be me.  I should not really have to de-bunk this spurious nonsense, but it is just one of the extraordinary pieces of “evidence” doing the rounds.  For starters, none of my children have ever attended this nursery,  I wasn’t living in this area 4 years ago, nurseries don’t allow mobile phones, tablets or computers, nor do they to the best of my knowledge have WiFi, dropping children off at a nursery does not allow free time or hands for any other activity, and erm, I actually have a lot better things to be doing with my time. The internet, and/or those with whom I have ideological disagreements are not so important as to lead me to Inspector Clouseau type exploits. Besides which it’s just not really my thing. I am capable of being intemperate and ill-considered enough under my own name when so provoked.

I’m not naming names, everyone knows who the main protagonists in this sorry affair are. I’m not going to offer any comment other than my sorrow that seemingly fellow Catholics, could be driven to such lengths that are wholly contrary to natural justice. I have been contacted by a huge spectrum of people expressing support and sympathy who have attested to attempts having been made to co-opt them into this campaign. People have told me that they have been forbidden to talk to me publically, one person upon enquiring what it is that I am supposed to have done was told “it would blow your mind, she is pure evil. Trust me”.  Someone was told not to worry about the health of my unborn child because “she’s past the 12 week stage and won’t miscarry”.

There are no words. I have experienced months of absolute hell, where I have been unable to comprehend what on earth was happening to me and why. I have also been unable to restrain my hurt and anger, particularly when moves were made to affect my family life. It takes a huge amount of self-control and restraint, which I do not possess, to know that people are deliberately talking about you publically, deliberately defaming you, deliberately provoking you and deliberately abusing you – not to respond. I am still coming to terms with it and attempting to forgive those who, whilst allegedly going under the auspices of pro-life, have carelessly disregarded the health of a pregnant woman and indeed sought to cause her distress. My unborn baby deserves better, even if it is felt that I do not. The abuse seems interminable and never-ending. I have been pursued with the vigour of a fictional Inquisitor, indeed someone has spoken of me as being a “boil that needed to be lanced” and that I must be publically humiliated as a form of exorcism, in order that “repentance and reconciliation might follow”. Trouble is, it’s quite tricky to confess to something that one simply hasn’t done!

All I can say, is that I haven’t done whatever it is that I am accused of. Given that no-one has ever had the courtesy ever to present detailed or precise charges, let alone any sort of evidence then it is very hard to defend oneself. All I have gleaned is snippets from various accusations thrown about in public and from third parties. When I found myself writing to the police, because it was claimed that I had asked an MP whom I’ve never met,  to obtain a police order on my behalf banning publication of evidence, in order to clarify that no such order in relation to myself existed, I realised that the situation was way out of hand.

To those who would attempt to paint me as a careerist, I would say only this. A few years ago we were living in a lovely Rectory in a flourishing parish. We had stability, a wide network of friends and support, an income, a pension and guaranteed job security for life. I had the choice whether or not to work, to build up a career, or to be a stay-at-home mother and volunteer. I could have attempted to build up a career in either writing or the pro-life movement, frankly, in terms of my own material needs and security, it would have been infinitely better had Robin stayed put in the Church of England. If I was the pushy careerist type portrayed, I would have been urging him to continue to stay where he was, to fight for traditionalist views in the Church of England and nudging him towards becoming a Cathedral canon and more. Though no saint, I took a back seat and when it became so clear that Robin could no longer remain an Anglican in good conscience, I encouraged him to pray and follow God, no matter where that might be leading us, knowing that it would come at a personal cost and that the road ahead would not be an easy one. I do not regret that for a single moment, however I am glad that the internecine fighting and shenanigans between Catholics on the internet, are not reflective of the welcome he has received from the much wider Catholic community, including, most importantly, at parish and diocesan level. For those thinking of crossing the Tiber, the internet is not indicative of the Church as a whole.

What I didn’t realise when beginning to write this blog, is that holding such strong pro-life and indeed Catholic views would lead to such strong and extreme reactions from others. I think when one adds a very unusual set of family circumstances into that, I can see that I seem a curiosity and object of interest. A former air-hostess who went into investment banking and private equity with a public boarding school background, a seemingly intelligent, lively, fun and engaging woman who was married to a vicar, is clearly able to make a good account of herself but yet has “batshit bigoted” views and lives a weird lifestyle of martyrdom where she seemingly can’t stop herself from getting pregnant. It’s not surprising that at times the stats on this blog have gone stratospheric.

What has become clear is that recently, this blog and my twitter account have become all about “me” and the horrible controversy rather than the things that I have to say. This seems to be an enormous shame,  because many have commented that I do have a valuable contribution to make, not only on the Catholic blogosphere, but also to the pro-life movement as a whole.

All of which has led me to ponder whether it really is time to stop for now and certainly time to stop writing under my own name. Ironically those who have accused me of running various pseudonyms have forced me to do consider doing just that. I am devastated, I think I still have a lot of valid things to say, I had been planning some storming pro-life posts, these past few weeks have given me some much deeper insights, but I have to put my family first. If I stop blogging it lets those, who openly admitted that their aim was to get me off the net, win.

Robin is going through the ordination process, if, God willing, he is ordained, then this blog will be a renewed source of interest to many. It therefore seems sensible to halt. His vocation is of primary importance and I therefore need to support that by ensuring that whatever I do, does not detract from his priestly ministry in any way. I do not want to be a source of scandal to either my husband or the Catholic Church or detract from the causes that I care so passionately about. I can only see the obsessive interest and abuse getting worse. Before Robin converted, I remember a former young parishioner quizzing me about our intimate life. I refused to answer and gracefully changed the subject, not only is our private life just that, but furthermore I did not want anyone to be distracted from worship in Church by thinking about the vicar’s private life.  The same principle applies here. My aim is to be an enhancement, not a distraction and definitely not a scandal.

There is much to look forward to, much that I had hoped to share, such as our daughter’s First Holy Communion and the birth of new baby, but I am no longer sure whether or not this is wise?

Maybe a short break is the answer, or maybe I should just disappear and regenerate under a pseudonym?

All (sensible) thoughts appreciated.

PS Arise from Darkness: What to do when Life doesn’t make sense by Fr Benedict Groeschel. This book has done much to restore my equilibrium. An absolute must-read.

The extraordinary in the ordinary

In advance of tomorrow’s inevitable annual explosion of Gerard Manley Hopkins May Magnificat all over the Catholic blogosphere, today’s glorious sunshine and vibrant displays of spring tulips, turned my thoughts to one of my favourite Hopkins’ poems; Spring.

Oh, nothing is so beautiful as Spring —
When weeds, in wheels, shoot long and lovely and lush;
Thrush’s eggs look little low heavens, and thrush
Through the echoing timber does so rinse and wring
The ear, it strikes like lightnings to hear him sing;
That nothing is so beautiful as Spring.

The lilting alliteration, the assonance, the echo, internal rhyme and imagery, so rich and evocative, are every bit as gorgeous and lift the spirits almost as much as the reality.

Technical skill aside, what I love about this poem is the dense imagery, how Hopkins’ deploys his Ignatian training in order to invite the reader to share in his sense of wonderment of this God-created world. He prefigures the spirituality of St Theresa of Lisieux, taking time to appreciate God, the extraordinary in the ordinary, in everyday and in everything. These are not simply thrush’s eggs, but they are reflections of heaven, and even the birdsong, like the dews on the grass is reminiscent of the waters of baptism, rinsing us clean and making us new.

What is all this juice and all this joy?
A strain of the earth’s sweet being in the beginning
In Eden garden.

As Balthasar notes, Hopkins’ poetry was sacramental, his then groundbreaking language, a “theological phenomenon”- everything is fashioned and determined for Christ. Perhaps that’s why so many modern readers find him so difficult as to a non-Christian he is almost unintelligible. He was determined to revalue and re-equip language to expresses the unique and extraordinary in order to use this to direct the reader towards God, regardless of critical reception.

Though he initially struggled with the notion that expressing oneself in written form could be a holy endeavour, burning all his early work in 1866, he eventually came to see that far from being a distraction to his priestly vocation, poetry was vital to expressing his religious belief. He saw God everywhere and in everything. His poems were just another instrument to prayer. Like St Ignatius himself, Hopkins recognised that if everything is directed towards God, everything is prayer. Perhaps that’s a lesson from which Christian bloggers can all learn.

End of the line

This blog and my online life has reached the end of the line.

I’d like to thank everyone who has supported me with their comments over the life of the blog.

I’ve realised that attempting to be a voice in the public square takes too much emotional energy and I can no longer cope with fall-out.

I am not a professional, I’ve never done this for money, I didn’t join Catholic Voices for the money or for any personal reasons, other than I thought I’d be good at it; on paper it should work, I’m articulate, reasonable and presentable.

In the last few months, I’ve been criticised from every side. From orthodox Catholics for being too liberal and from atheists or members of the LGBT lobby for being too hate-filled.

I’ve had an online stalker, pursing my every move, contacting other Catholic bloggers to dig dirt on me, blogging nasty unpleasant and untrue fantasies, (apparently I always wanted to be a model – anyone) which most people thought seemed the work of a deranged lunatic and who, on being asked to stop, besieged Neil Addison, who was advising me in a private capacity, with 16 unsolicited emails regarding the state of my mental health. When Neil formally wrote to her to tell her actions could be construed as harassment, she publically blogged his letter, went off on several prolonged rants about me and then incited her 4,000 followers to have a go at my feed. All the while, I have had to stay totally silent so as not to incite the situation further. She sporadically threatens me with the police for some imagined offence or other. She claims that the police are on the verge of arresting me and protecting her from me. As many know, the truth is somewhat different. But being under constant threat of being reported to the police for something you haven’t done, and wondering what is going to trigger another outburst, naming me and ranting away, resulting in tweets asking me to leave her alone, when I’ve done absolutely nothing, takes its toll. Particularly on someone who is in the early stages of a difficult pregnancy with all the hormones involved. Obviously some people forget what it is like to feel pregnant and vulnerable.

Her narrative, “Caroline plays the victim and has a track record for mental health problems” has fed into today’s attack. This is not my being paranoid. When attempting to discredit me earlier for being a hardline unreasonable fundamental zealot, this tweeter noted “she is a nutter with a proven track record of mental health problems”. I have no such history and I object to being smeared in the same manner and with the same malevolence as the targets of Johann Hari.

A comment today tells me that I am a poor representative for Catholic Voices, I should not spend time on Twitter. Apparently I am a hypocrite for trying to unite all sides, for “cosying up to James Preece, Laurence England and Paul Priest”.

I spend time on Twitter for the same reason many do. A bit of interaction with the real world, interspersed with looking after my children who aren’t always capable of giving great feedback. I spend most of the day with a baby and a toddler, my mobile phone is the odd distraction – I don’t buy papers.

Even at time of typing this, I can see someone on Twitter is inciting more trolling, saying “she is blondpidge, have fun”.  After two whole months of what feels like unprecedented abuse, I’ve had enough, I’ve reached saturation point.

It just seems wholly pointless. Traditional Catholics think I’m too liberal, everyone else thinks its fine to shout abuse and call names, without ever engaging in the points I have to make. Apparently I am a bigot who hides behind my faith, but no-one can actually tell me where I have shown any hatred or intolerance for other people.

None of the Catholics who attacked me for being too liberal have stood up for me today. The Catholic blogosphere seems to be for Catholics only, whereas what I have tried and failed to do is to take the debate into the public square.

Over the last 18 months I have been called every name under the sun and just expected to take it, that’s the price for putting your views out there. I never expected validation, but I never expected the unprecedented amounts of hatred and abuse either.

So trolls and bullies you’ve won. I can’t take it any more. You have to be made of hardier stuff than me if you want to be a Catholic on the internet. Or, you have to keep your mouth shut and your head down. Woe betide you if you actually dare to defend any of the stuff that you might believe in with people who aren’t Catholic. Other Catholics get by, simply by not engaging in the neuralgic issues. They talk about Catholic social teaching with each other, but don’t bother with the world at large. Perhaps if Catholics want to take a look at my timeline and those of the others involved, they will see what actually happens if you dare to use the theological language of the Catechism, even if it is in public conversation with another Catholic.

When I’m at the stage, where my head is literally banging from spending hours crying, when a false accusation “you LIE, apologise now”, repeated more than once, not followed up by anything resembling an apology, only a “oh sorry, I was mistaken”, after attempting to prove otherwise see there I go again, victim mode again, but as I said, this stuff hurts, when my husband is in tears at how his “lovely, gentle wife, who would do anything for anyone, is beside herself” when I literally don’t know what to do with myself, when I think I’ve failed, failed God, failed Christ, because all people can do is scream and shout hatred in my ears and tell me that I am insane I’ve had enough.  When people watch me cry and laugh at my distress, “lol, I saw her posts, 18 paragraphs of victimhood lol” then I’ve had enough. When a prominent Christian blogger seems to have bought into this narrative, despite being assured by those in the know that I am not guilty of whatever it is he seems to be accusing me of and spends 48 hours publically accusing me, despite others telling him to stop, I’ve had enough.  When my anger at the sheer injustice of this and my upset prevents me from sleeping and starts to affect my prayer life, I’ve had enough. When someone says, “I won’t allow her to affect my view of dozens of loving Christians”, despite the fact that at least one shares identical views to me, then clearly I’ve failed as I’ve not communicated myself as being decent, loving or Christian. That is perhaps what upsets me the most.

I’d still be honoured to write the odd feature for the Catholic Herald or other publications as and when the opportunities present themselves. That seems to be the one arena where I have been well-received perhaps because the readership doesn’t automatically view me through the lens of antipathy.

This is how battles are won by activists. By wearing the opponents down. By bullying, berating and discrediting. Someone stronger can do it. I don’t actually have the strength any more. Thanks for listening.

Victim?

I am currently in Twitter jail, so I cannot respond to the repeated messages calling me a bigot and a “dumb bitch”.

What happened “this time”?

Well, stupidly enough, I spotted a tweet on the subject of same sex marriage which was hoping to make the point that the Church of England in this country, some of whom are opposing same sex marriage, is apparently undermining it’s very foundation which is based on a redefinition of marriage. That’s a point with which I disagree, being historically inaccurate. Henry VIII did not seek to redefine marriage. On the contrary he was a great believer in it, so much so, that he wished to have his existing one nullified, but the Pope would famously not agree.

If Henry had sought to redefine marriage then he would have introduced laws on polygamy. What he was trying to do was get a ruling on whether or not Catherine of Aragon could in fact be considered his legal wife, given that she had been married to his elder brother Arthur. The case relied upon whether or not her previous marriage had been consummated, the subsequent investigations, caused great personal anguish and humiliation to Catherine.

I corrected a Retweet that was being propagated as a meme which then descended into a general “debate” about same sex marriage. I am so fed up with this perjorative “bigot” label. Just a reminder of what it means from the OED:

having or revealing an obstinate belief in the superiority of one’s own opinions and a prejudiced intolerance of the opinions of others

But of course, that’s hiding isn’t it? Hiding behind language apparently. Like Humpty Dumpty, language can only mean what the person using it wants it to mean.

I have repeatedly been called a bigot, friends have weighed in and called me the same, I have been called me a dumb bitch, a moron, someone suggested that my private parts should be filled with cement, my mental health is smeared, I am a hardline zealot who hides underneath the cloak of respectability and reason, it is important to remember that I am not representative of all Catholics, people have been incited to look at my timeline, I am a tragic figure, ignorant, sad and grey, a loud victim Christian, not a normal kind reasonable one, delusional, a nutter with a track record of poor mental health (evidence please), my views are “dressed up as reason and truth”, a bully, a mentalist, a gobshite, on the fringe….

I was tempted to blog the screenshots. I won’t because it makes it even more unduly personal. But not once did I insult or be rude or personal. If I opened this tweeter up to the floor, it was because he had already incited his thousands of followers to weigh in and they have spent the best part of 8 hours attacking.

What caused it?  This exchange with Laurence England where he said:

The Church, doesn’t call homosexual orientation a sin but an ‘objective, instrinsic moral disorder’.

It is important the Catechism isn’t ‘spun’ on that point nor that it is overlooked.

It is there for a reason and a good one at that. It isn’t there to demean homosexuals but to state the Truth that the homosexual orientation is a disordered aspect of our human nature.

My response:

Laurence – yes I know that homosexual orientation is an intrinsic disorder and I am happy to accept and acknowledge that point.

The problem is, as you know, that many many people misunderstand what this means and find it offensive. Now the truth must not be hidden simply because it is offensive to some BUT when this comes up, I tend to explain that the Catechism is couched in theological and philosophical language as it is a teaching document. What the phrase morally disordered means, as I understand, is applying the principles of natural law, which isn’t as some people understand simply looking at nature (hence we get given examples of homosexual primates) but looking at what our bodies are “ordered towards” and that is not homosexual tendencies.

Not hateful, not intolerant, just stating that I agree with an opinion and accepting that it can be seen as offensive so it’s important to contextualise.

I like Twitter, I enjoy interacting with people, which is why I had considered giving it up for Lent. But if I do give it up, it feels very much like conceding to bullying. Someone has just called me a coward because I don’t want to engage with his insults.

I don’t play the victim. This kind of stuff does really hurt and upset me. Invective and insults tend to do that, I don’t have a thick skin, I wish I did. I don’t want to stop people’s freedom of speech, but I do wish people could stop and think that there is a human being at the end of the computer. One of the things my faith teaches me is that every human being is of equal dignity and worth. That is why I don’t stoop to nastiness, because a lot of the invective de-humanises others, it says “your opinion is not of value because you are not of value”. 

And that is why I get so upset, because I know how damaging de-humanising is, both ideologically and when you are on the other end of it. It’s a dangerous path. I don’t treat anyone as though they are worthless no matter how much I may disagree with them. If there is one thing that drives me, one principle that I attempt to zealously stick to its the Golden Rule. Treat others how you would like to be treated. Love one another. An opposition to same sex marriage is not an indication of hatred  or born out of fear or spite.

I am defending marriage because I feel passionately about it, not because I wish to do damage to anyone. If people think I am playing the pathetic victim, they ought to feel how they would like it if they were spoken about in such derogatory terms and discussed with acidity behind others’ backs.

I do think it is important to highlight what happens to Christians who dare expound these views in the public square. I do think people should see the ugly kind of bullying which attacks the person and not the argument. What started off as a historical debate, dissolved into personal abuse. And yes, I do consider having my private parts filled with cement an abusive thing to say, I do consider being repeatedly called a bigot without that being qualified abusive, I do consider having my mental health smeared, called names, accused of being unrepresentative of Christians, a coward and ignorant, abusive. It is certainly hurtful. My point about disorder that was thrown about has not been meaningfully engaged with.

I haven’t named the tweeter involved, most people watching will have seen who it is, but I understand that this is a difficult issue for him, hence the passion and at times vicious ferocity.

I have accepted that having a certain number of followers on Twitter incurs a certain responsibility. Hence I try to be aware of what I say about others. If anyone called anyone else a name on my behalf, I apologise. I did not see that happen however.

If you don’t want others to “play the role of persecuted Christian” then there is a simple answer. Engage with the arguments, not the person.

It’s interesting, not once did I play the “persecuted Christian” role, I expressed that I was personally finding a lot of the perjorative name calling hurtful. That’s probably the reason why I elicited the response stating that I was hardline, not like proper Christians and not a victim but pretending. The LGBT lobby don’t like having their victim status taken away from them.

I’m very tempted never to defend marriage again on any forum, on the internet or in public if asked, having yet another experience of what happens when you dare to do so. But then to do so is to let bullies win.

Those who criticise Catholic Voices remember that this is going to be the level of personal abuse and invective that we, as individuals, are going to be subject to if we go on the media. You’ll have to possess skin like rawhide. I don’t know if I’m up to it.

Swimming in custard

I warn you now, this isn’t going to be a particularly upbeat post, so those of a nervous disposition – look away now. As I always say – my blog, my gaffe, my rules and if I want to have a jolly good moan, then frankly I’m going to.

So where are we? Last Friday, Radio Kerry asked me to contribute in their lunchtime talking heads programme about the case of Denum Ellarby, the little boy with Downs Syndrome who has been asked to delay his First Holy Communion. I was quite nervous but on balance think it went quite well and had some positive feedback and constructive criticism from other Catholics.

That night I received a horrendous poison pen email. I have no idea who it was from – some clever Johnny has worked out how to access my email from a WhoIs lookup and thinks it a jolly good wheeze to send me streams of poison, telling me what other people are saying about me. By other people I mean the ladies from a mumsnet-type forum I left over a year ago. Whilst I don’t think it’s constructive to engage in any further criticism of this forum which always results in streams of vitriol and people defending the “lovely supportive group of people” and my being accused of Munchausen’s (yawn), I obviously found this more than a little hurtful. As it comes from a DNS – do not reply server, I can neither block nor reply to it.

A complicated pregnancy

A bit of background. For those who don’t know and I’m not inclined to make all my confidential medical details public, I had a scare a few weeks ago, following some excruciating pain which saw me in A&E. A hopelessly over-excited SHO decided that it was an ectopic pregnancy and decided to prescribe methothroxate without actually having scanned me. I obviously objected – on an ethical level, methothroxate is an unacceptable treatment as it constitutes a direct attack upon the fetus. That doesn’t mean that Catholics are supposed to die from ectopic pregnancies or life threatening complications, but ethically, we are not supposed to do anything that is designed to directly kill the unborn child. A tubal removal would have been the answer, because it is removing the damaged tube to save the life of the mother – the side effect of which would have resulted in the death of the baby. It’s known as the concept of double effect. A mother suffering from life-threatening cancer and requiring treatment would not be expected to forgo the treatment for example, hopefully ways would be found to enable both lives to be saved, but in the worst possible scenario, any consequences for the baby would need to be as a side-effect and not a direct intention.

After a lot of deliberation and various shenanigans I was informed that I had something called a heterotopic pregnancy, a really rare condition whereby there is a surviving life pregnancy in utero and an ectopic one in the fallopian tube. Most amusingly, I was repeatedly asked by the doctors “now are you sure that you haven’t had any fertility treatment?” Like that’s something I’d just “forget”. Apparently it’s a condition that mainly affects those who have received IVF, the chances of it happening in a natural conception are 1:30,000.

Despite being told not to google, I did just that and thus we spent an agonising weekend, trying to work out what the best course of action might be. My thanks to Antony McCarthy from SPUC who proved enormously helpful – bio-ethics being his particular specialism. I was booked in for a laparoscopy on Monday, however after many more scans and blood tests, it was decided that it was not a heterotopic pregnancy after all, but merely an ovarian cyst, the pathology of which is similar to an ectopic pregnancy. As I had been exhibiting symptoms, including excoriating pain down one side all of which were presenting as identical to an ectopic, that is what they had been looking for, and upon scanning with a slightly older scanner up in the gynae department instead of the state of the art one in ultrasound (which was shut on a Friday night) they had spotted the live pregnancy and the mass on the fallopian tube. The pain is caused by torsion or twisting, hence I have been given painkillers. Although I felt something of a wimp, apparently cysts often do prove painful.

So what will they do to treat the cyst?

  1. Leave it, monitor it and hope it goes away, pregnancy hormones often stimulate the growth of cysts, but it may well go away and shrink of its own accord
  2. If it grows to more than 7cm and continues to cause pain then a procedure will be required to remove it, but ideally between 14 and 20 weeks
  3. Very worst case scenario – deliver the baby early, if the cyst grows too big in late pregnancy
At the moment I am still experiencing intermittent sharp pain.
As I said, I’m not going to launch into a huge attack on the mummy forum, I know that most of them are fundamentally decent people, but I don’t think anyone would relish receiving bitchy emails containing accusations of mental illness discussing my medical details and history and the thoughts of a group of women, whose company you are deliberately eschewing and avoiding, who seem to have nothing better to do than obsessively pour over my tweet feed and blog. Fundamentally however it is more their problem than mine. Years ago the kind of person who engages in this type of activity would obsessively keep scrapbooks and clippings, or spy behind the net curtains, logging neighbours’ movements. These days we have the internet.
Then there’s the midwife
So this week, I visited the midwife for my hour long booking in appointment. I had hoped to go alone, but the whole family has picked up another D&V virus from nursery this week (more on that later) so I had to take the two babies who were banned from nursery for 48 hours. It was one of those mornings. Scream scream scream SCREAM went the baby all morning. I couldn’t get dressed, I couldn’t get the toddler dressed, I couldn’t brush my teeth, hair, make breakfast, do anything without high pitched SCREAMING. “Stop it Licity, stop it, stop it stop it” shouted toddler, proceeding to pick up the biggest toy she could find and clatter the baby about the head. Toddler on naughty step – joint chorus of screaming.
I arrive at the midwife 10 minutes late, the surgery never has enough parking spaces so I had to park 1000 yards down the road on a busy street and manhandle the pair into a double buggy. I arrive into the surgery very flustered and toddler starts having a major tantrum because she wants out of the buggy and I won’t let her because of her habit of not staying with the toys in the toy corner, but running out of the front door and climbing all over the other patients. Just as I relent and she proves me right, I retrieve her from running out of the door, she throws herself on the floor in meltdown, baby starts to scream, out comes the midwife….
So into the midwife’s room I trot with two children in full-on meltdown, eliciting lots of sighs and huffing and puffing. Can’t you get someone to look after them for you, she asked. I explain that they have been ill and so aren’t allowed in nursery. Don’t you have anyone else to help you she asks. No, I reply, I don’t. What about family? No – one set in Wales, the other in Oxfordshire and a sister with 4 children of her own in Northampton. I’m not from Brighton, I don’t have any close friends here, only having moved here a few years ago and then having to move house just having got to know a certain area.
Well you’re clearly struggling she said, life isn’t going to get any easier for you with another baby and three small children, are you sure that this is the wisest option? I don’t agree with abortion, I replied, so this isn’t a discussion that I want to have. Well, alright, fair enough, but I’m just very concerned for you. Thanks, I appreciate it, what I need is some help, do you think you might be able to arrange that for me? No, sorry, you’ll have to speak to the health visitor once the baby is born.
So we go through my notes, etc etc and a lot is made of my advanced age (37) and the fact it’s my 4th pregnancy and all apparently rather risky. I need to go to thrombosis clinic as given that I’m so old and it’s my fourth baby, I’m at much greater risk of a blood clot?! I also get referred straight to consultant for discussions about whether or not I’ll be allowed to attempt a natural birth. Much tutting and talking about the risks of blood loss. Tut, tut, tsk, tsk, tsk. All the while the children are in meltdown. There are no toddler toys in the consulting room because they constitute a risk of contamination. I am asked why I didn’t bring anything to entertain them. I explain that I was in a rush, it was a difficult morning and I was trying to rush out of the house as quickly as possible. Tsk, tsk tsk. Tut, tut, tut. Then – what are you going to do about contraception once the baby has been born. I explain that we are either going to abstain for as long as it takes or we are contacting the couple-to-couple league for a belt and braces method. Not just examining one type of fertility marker, but all three and backed up by the persona device. If in doubt we’ll leave it out!
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tut, tut, tut. That is not good enough. Natural contraception just does not work. You cannot be in this situation again (as if I don’t know) what about sterilisation? I explain, briefly that contraception is out of the question for us as a couple. I don’t go into any detail, just explain that due to cultural beliefs we cannot use it. Well that’s ridiculous she says, you have to do something. I can’t, I tell her, it’s out of the question. Well in that case, I think I need to refer you to counselling. No, I don’t need counselling I tell her. Yes, you do she tells me, I have here in your notes that you suffer from ante-natal depression and there’s a huge risk of post-natal depression, unless you use contraception you are going to be very very ill and you need to understand that, as does your husband. Oh, he understands that alright, he understands that I am more than just a bit “sad” at the moment, but even IF I accepted what you are saying about contraception, which I don’t, if I get sterilised or use contraception behind my husband’s back, my marriage will be effectively over. We will never be intimate again and our marriage will be under huge strain. How will that help anyone, particularly the children? Well he needs counselling to make him understand. No, he doesn’t and nor do I, as a couple, contraception is OUR choice and OUR business, not for one person to hector another and given the situation, I hardly think we are going to take any future risks.
So it’s all a barrel of laughs so far. Then.
Sickness bleurgh.
11 weeks pregnant, and if anything the sickness is getting worse. The painkillers for the cyst are also adding to the upset stomach. On Monday night I started to projectile vomit and continued throughout the night. The baby decided to join in for good measure, then on Tuesday morning Robin starts to copiously vomit on his way to work. I go to wake up toddler and the cot is covered in piles of sick. It’s up the walls all over her toys, matted in her hair all over her pyjamas. I’ve never seen so much sick in my life and go through paroxysms of guilt. Why didn’t I hear her in the night? What if she’d choked on it?
Fortunately being the sturdy child she is, she seems to have recovered pretty swiftly, but it’s meant that nursery has been out of the question all week as have lectures and seminars. It was the first week back at University following reading week so great, I’m already behind again. At time of writing, Robin is still suffering for an upset stomach and so I am. It’s difficult to tell with me whether its a virus or just general sickness.
I’m still exhausted. Bunk beds not delivered yet, so baby is still in bed with me. She smells the milk and fusses and screams for feeding every hour. Robin has been taking her downstairs in the middle of the night and cuddling her to sleep away from the smell of the milk, but as soon as she comes back upstairs, one sniff of mummy and whaaaa. As Robin has to work really long days, it’s not fair to expect him to be up in the middle of the night with the baby, although he does so gladly. We don’t have a spare room, so that option is out of the question. I guess the only answer is for him to sleep on the sofa with the baby, which I can hardly ask him to do when he has to work. We’re just praying the bunk beds arrive soon so we can begin the whole crying down process – but fair to say we are currently both sick and exhausted.
Internet shenanigans
A few weeks ago, a rather unpleasant commenter, whose comments I refused to publish, set up an entire blog to tell the world what a wicked awful woman I was and not only that I am very ugly too, with a face like a horse. He is a known anti-Christian agitator, having trawled various Christian blogs, spouting absolute bile and poison. I refused to publish his comments not only because they were very personal and unpleasant, he’d gone to the trouble of finding out our former address and attempted to allude to potential going acquaintances, but more seriously, they were racist. Black African Christians are a complete anathema to him. I refused to give his nastiness and racism a voice and so he went off on a mad one, setting up his own personal anti-Caroline, face-like-a-horse blog. Other Christian bloggers also testify to his special brand of spite, he’s able to target in on areas of weakness, capable of an enormous amount of projection and goes in for pseudo psycho-analysis, my particular bete-noir.
One of the things he predicted with some accuracy is that the orthodox Catholic bloggers would turn against me. Which brings me on to:
The Pope of Corby
I have spent the last year receiving all kinds of abuse and bile from those who simply could not cope with my promulgation of Catholic doctrine. It’s a recurrent theme of this blog. Most of the time the earmuffs are firmly affixed, but it does get wearisome.
Recently I joined Catholic Voices because I thought I’d be good at it and I thought I had much to give. I had spent so much time engaged in written apologetics, I know Catholic social doctrine inside out and many people encouraged me, thinking I’d be a great spokesperson for the Church. I knew that the organisers had a bad press on the Catholic blogosphere, but I tend to seek as I find, make my own mind up about people and form my own opinions, as opposed to pre-judge. My crime was to give up three weekends, spend time and money travelling from Brighton to Leeds to learn media skills.
What that means is that I am now perceived as some kind of traitor. My blog, is no longer my own blog. No, it is an officially sanctioned Catholic Voices one, which I should not be allowed to hold, according to those on the Catholic blogosphere. When I write about my children, or my pregnancy, my dog, or anything else, that is an official Catholic Voices view apparently…
Joining Catholic Voices means that I have lost all capacity to think for myself. I am now an “establishment mouthpiece”, I have been indoctrinated into saying whatever the Bishops want me to say and as a result I am going against Church doctrine. I am following a “liberal socialist” agenda and need to think before I open my mouth.
Why? Because I happen not to automatically distrust everything that comes out of the Bishops’ mouths and seize on every announcement as proof of heterodoxy or pro-life dissent. As I’ve tried to critically engage with some of those areas which ARE prudential judgement, because I’ve listened to palliative care specialists and bio-ethicists with impeccable Catholic credentials on issues such as the Liverpool Care Pathway, I am now “pro-life lite”. I haven’t commented much on the Connexions issue, other than to note, that I don’t really know very much about it and from what I understand, the management of Connexions is supposed to be on a local school level. Connexions are apparently supposed to comply with the Catholic ethos of a school. I don’t know enough to support or defend it, but I am loathe to go shouting that compliance with the law is proof of heterodoxy.
Laughably I am told that I have a “liberal socialist” agenda and I am not a proper Catholic. The Pope of Corby and his team of navel gazing zombies seem far more interested in turning inwards and tearing each other apart, bullying me, and yes it IS bullying; a prolonged twitter bombardment starting on Christmas Eve, use of the imperative tense, which he still insists on using, liberally doling out warnings, not only to me, but also insults, branding colleagues of mine “Judas” and generally ranting non stop in an unhealthy and unhelpful fashion, trolling my tweet feed and telling whoever wants to listen that I have no right to comment on any Catholic issue whatsoever, all this amounts to bullying. He spent the whole of yesterday insulting and falsely accusing a colleague whose name he couldn’t be bothered to get correct. When I pointed out quite how hurtful he is being in the light of what we have sacrificed and given up, I was told that I use any means at my disposal to get at those who disagree with me. Disagree all you like, just don’t call me names or cast doubt on my motives. Criticism should be CONSTRUCTIVE.
Here’s what galls me, the person who is not a “proper Catholic” and is some kind of “sell-out”.
Not a proper Catholic? Selling Out?
Two years ago, I lived in a nice big 4 bedroom vicarage. I had lots of friends and was part of a supportive community. Two years on, I have had one unplanned baby and am now expecting another. I’ve had to put my plans to study at University on hold for a year, I might well need to do so again. University is important to me as it is probably the only way I’m ever going to get a job, or any job security. A job/job security is important to me, because we don’t know what the future holds.
There is no guarantee that Robin will be ordained as a Catholic Priest. He is currently being invited to consider his vocation. At present he is working full time long hours for not very much money. He enjoys the job, but it is not enough to support us. We are currently being helped by a charity specifically set up to help convert clergy, but the Ordinariate is an extra drain on their funds and they cannot help us in the long-term. If there is no priestly vocation, then Robin will have effectively “wasted” three years in terms of his career and will need to re-train. I am expecting a baby in August. We are living in Brighton so as not to have to disrupt my 7 year olds schooling and not move her several times. In September, following a cesarian section, Robin will start part-time for 2 years at Wonersh seminary, meaning that he will have to stay over at least one night a week, working a few days in his current job and spending the rest of the time at seminary.
Now he could delay it another year, but that means, just another year of transition of waiting, of uncertainty. We cannot plan for our daughter’s secondary school, we don’t know where we will be living, we can’t plan for the toddler and baby’s school, because we don’t know where we will be living. We will need to be in an area, a year before they start school in order to meet the eligibility criteria. My seven year has no idea when she will be leaving her school, or where she will be going. She is quite anxious about this. I have no idea where we will be living, I have no idea if we will have enough money to live on, I have no idea what we will do if a vocation is not discerned. I hope and pray that it will be, but it’s out of our hands and in the hands of God – we have to accept the outcome, whatever it is. But it is a time of huge uncertainty for us.
We, as a family have given up EVERYTHING, in order that my husband could follow his call across the Tiber. It wasn’t a decision taken lightly, off the back of any particular event in the Church of England, but one that happened gradually over a few years. My husband has 4 theology degrees, including one in Catholic theology from Heythrop, he’s introduced me to a lot of reading, we probably know the magisterium and Catholic teaching better than many ordinary pew-sitters and yet people think it’s acceptable to patronisingly ask “have you ever heard of Humanae Vitae”?
My blog has resulted in rape threats and death threats and poison pen letters. Commentators have called me fundamentalist, extremist, school friends have fallen out with me due to perceived “homophobia”, my mother is desperately embarrassed by me, she rang me up to tell me that if this baby is discovered to be disabled, then I really must have an abortion, in short publicly blogging has brought me nothing other than grief.
I’ve carried on doing it, for the positive comments, for those who have said “I don’t agree but I appreciate your reasoning and I can see that you are not a bigot or driven by hatred”. I’ve done it for those who have privately emailed me and asked for spiritual advice or guidance, for reading matter or for practical help on NFP or abortion issues. I’ve done it because there are people who I know I’ve helped.
But when I am called a traitor, a liberal socialist, not a proper Catholic, a heretic, when I subject to hatred and spite from brethren in Christ, when a self-appointed Pope of Corby, rants and raves, threatens and insults, when his team of hangers-on egg him on and tell me quite what a useless, stupid, thick, self-serving, attention-seeking waste of space and not a proper Catholic I am, when the fact that we are not cradle Catholics is waved about, suddenly, I snap, particularly when this comes from people who are supposed to be on side. When polls are held as to whether or not bloggers should be a part of Catholic Voices, a project for which I gave up my free time and money and energy and for which I have had received diatribes, I begin to lose patience. After all, who decided that the blogosphere should only consist of those in opposition to the CBCEW? What is so wrong about me taking the default view that the Catholic Bishops in this country ARE in accordance with the Catechism?
I was sorting out newborn baby clothes earlier this week. Instead of feeling the usual pang of excitement, I felt nothing but despair. “Oh no, not again” was all I could think. Another long drawn out difficult pregnancy which drains all my physical and emotional resources, just as I was beginning to feel more myself again. More screaming babies, more nappies, more sleepless nights. Three non stop years of pregnancy, breast-feeding and giving birth.
And all the while orthodox Catholics are screaming, ranting, raving, leering, getting their voices of spite in my head, calling me names, spitting poison, venom and fury.
An orthodox blogger said to me privately that I am pouring myself out to help a Church which will eventually hurt me.
What more do I need to say?

Update

Just to add to it all, today I received 2 pieces of bad news. Firstly my nana who is 99 and had to go into a nursing home last year has been diagnosed as being in the final stages of her life.

Secondly and more trivially, never ever buy anything from Dreams. Children’s bunk beds won’t arrive until April, despite being ordered in December and assured of January delivery. As 28 days have elapsed we are not entitled to a refund. So another few months of no sleep.

Just to prove my point, a “Christian” commentator who I’ve never heard of has publically denounced me as a “vile individual”. She goes on to say “I genuinely shudder that people like you speak for me”. You have to wonder why other Christian bloggers are prepared to tolerate this unedifying behaviour on their site. My policy is to stop the comments descending into spiteful bullying.

Apparently my attack on John Smeaton was ‘shameful’. No, it was a public right of reply. It is one thing being slandered by a tuppenny ha’penny blogger, quite another when the leader of a large lobby group outwardly concerned with protecting the unborn, launches into a personal attack on a group of young Catholics for not being “true Catholics”. That is an abuse of his position at the very least. There are still questions needing answers.

The biggest and most bitter irony, is that this is proof enough of the failure of pro-life in the UK. Instead of marshalling forces, Catholics are lining up to pour hate, venom and scorn upon each other. Like any failed movement, it’s tearing itself to pieces. I want no part of this. I am no longer going to read the below-the-line pond-life. It’s spiritually toxic and unhealthy.

A very poor advert for Catholicism and Christianity and a deep wound in the body of Christ. Fortunately I know that these people are thankfully in the minority. The Church in the UK is a thriving group consisting of many young and old, of all nations and races with different liturgical preferences and passions but all united in the love and joy and the peace of Christ. All with a genuine love care and compassion for their neighbour, prepared to roll up sleeves and help, not sit in a darkened and be-cobwebbed room using the Internet to amplify their personal vendettas and disappointments. The Church is not simply lace cottas and thuribles the size of China. It is the body of Christ here on earth and when we damage and wound each other, when we inflict pain and hurt and suffering on others, we do it to Christ himself. Judging the theological purity of others, deciding whether or not someone is a real Catholic and calling someone enduring a great deal of personal suffering and sacrifice through attempting to live a life of witness “vile” and a “pseudo Catholic” is not an act of witness.

I think there is more than one of us in need of prayer and healing tonight.