There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the Farrow household this evening. Last week, husband’s mobile phone which had been hovering in that shadowy precipice twixt life and death, finally gave up the ghost and breathed its last.
A bright sparkling new iphone4 was procured amidst much rejoicing. Therefore it is with much regret that I need to impart the following tragic piece of news. Whilst washing toddler’s hair in the bathtub, the gadget of shiny joy slipped out of the top breast pocket where it had been foolishly placed and made a delightful splashing sound as it plopped into the bath.
The phone is undergoing emergency treatment as I speak, immersed in the high dependency unit fashioned from of a bag of rice and placed inside the airing cupboard.
Never was there such a tragedy of such cosmic dimensions, nor a sorrier tale of woe. Truly the hills of Brighton resound with echoes of weeping and the valleys are bathed in tears.
An occasion such as this merits the words of Gaius Valerius Catullus.
Lugete, O Veneres Cupidinesque,
et quantum est hominum uenustiorum
iphone mortuus est meus maritus
iphone, deliciae meus maritus
quem plus illa oculis suis amabat.
nam mellitus erat suumque norat
ipsam tam bene quam puer patrem
nece sese a manu illius mouebat
sed circumsiliens modo huc modo illuc
ad solam dominum usque pipiabat.
qui nunc it per iter tenebricosum
illuc, unde negant redire quemquam
at uobis male sit, malae tenebrae
Orci, quae omnia bella deuoratis:
tam bellum mihi iphonerem absulistis.
o factum male! o miselle iphone!
tua nunc opera meus maritus
flendo turgiduli rubent ocelli.
(With sincere apologies for the inevitable grammatical whoopsies. It’s been a while).
PS. Chirp seems as good a verb as any. I couldn’t think of a synonym for ring-tone.
The Catechesis of Caroline 