Naming of parts

And this you can see is the bolt. The purpose of this
Is to open the breech, as you see. We can slide it
Rapidly backwards and forwards: we call this
Easing the spring.

I have been toying with the idea of blogging a rather amusing incident which occurred around the dinner table last week as a bit of light relief, it’s the moment every parent dreads.

By way of background, small person (aged 7) understands the following by way of “sex ed”. Babies are made by ‘special cuddles’ which you can only have once you get married. During the ‘special cuddle’ the man gives the woman some seed which joins with her eggs to make a baby. (Not a stork or a gooseberry bush in sight).

Small Person (SP): Did you have a special cuddle and make a baby last night?

Husband spits food. 

Me (po-faced): No darling, why?

SP: I just wondered. Are you going to make one tonight?

DH: No darling we’re not. We are going to wait until the baby is older before we think about making another one.

SP: Well you’d better make sure that you don’t give mummy any seed by accident. Because that’s what happened last time. You said “Whoops, oh look I’ve accidentally given you some seed”.

Adults snigger

SP: So what happens when you have a special cuddle?

Exchange of panicked glances

Me (attempted sotto voce): Is this the part where we fetch the banana and the condom?

SP: What’s that mummy? Bananas?

Me: Nothing

Toddler (eyes lighting up): Narna, narna, narna. (pointing insistently and leaning out of high chair) Narna. NARNA! NARNA! NARNA! NARNAAAAAA!

Me (in manic tone of voice): WELL DONE!!! You said banana. CLEVER girl!! Oooh would you like a banana darling, lovely, see, look mummy will peel it for you. Would you like one too small person, you can have some ice-cream to go with it if you like.

SP: Yes please. Anyway mummy…

Raises eyes heavenwards

SP: What happens when you have special cuddles? (Inquistively) Describe it!

Hysterical and nervous laughter and exchange of glances

SP: (plaintively) Don’t laugh at me!

DH: (pulls himself together and adopts serious tone) Sorry darling, we didn’t meant to laugh at you. It’s important that you feel you can ask us whatever you want. What did you want to know exactly?

SP: How the baby is made!

Me: Ah well….cue lots of explanations about seed being called sperm, looking like tadpoles, losing tails, how the eggs don’t have shells, promising to get out pregnancy books and look up some pictures on the internet so she can see the sperm merging with the egg and the baby being formed and pictures of the baby growing in utero. Stuff that she already knows, but perhaps needs refreshing.

DH: Anything else you wanted to know

SP: What is the baby thinking when it’s in mummy’s tummy then.

More general discourse, followed by:

SP: But what if there were one hundred eggs and one hundred sperm, you’d have one hundred babies

DH: (reddening slightly) Well that wouldn’t happen because although mummy has lots of eggs, she only releases one a month, sometimes ladies release two which is when they have twins as you know, or if the egg, once the sperm has joined it splits in half.

SP: Oh right, anyway what time is my bedtime tonight.

DH: (sensing we’ve made a bit of a pigs ear) One thing though darling, you must always ask us if you’ve got questions and we’ll do our best to answer, we’re sorry if we laughed at you, we were just a bit surprised. One thing we didn’t tell you is that when husbands and wives have special cuddles they don’t wear any clothes.

Doh!!

Bullet dodged. For now. Admittedly that wasn’t handled quite as well as it could have been and we are now scouring the bookstores for some appropriate material.

It’s probably time for Fuzzy Bunny’s Guide to you-know-what.

One thought on “Naming of parts

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