Grade 8 Gay

I made the fatal error of venturing out to work on Friday having completely forgotten that it was Pride weekend in Brighton. Now any event that forces me to sit in standstill traffic for over an hour on the Preston Road, is going to arouse a certain amount of ire, without factoring in the added element of infant experiencing what can only appear to be famine levels of hunger, judging by the screams, but my journey descended further into the realms of dire sitcom territory with the ensuing conversation from my 6 year old.

Mummy what’s Gay?

Another word for happy darling. Why?

It says over there Gay Pride Parade 7 August. Can we go please?

No I don’t think so darling, there’s no way to get into town tomorrow and no buses.

Oh, but there’s going to be a fair – Look!

Why are people proud of the parade. Is it because they are happy?

Yes, that’s right darling *breathes sigh of relief*

Have they achieved something really special, like I did when I got to Level 8 of SuperMario? I didn’t think I could do it and I kept trying and now I’ve rescued Princess Peach, except I haven’t, because it was Luigi superguide, but I kept trying and now I’ve unlocked all the levels, or Luigi has, but I helped him.

You have to keep trying mummy, that’s what I always say. I kept trying at the piano and violin and now I’m really good. Is the parade to celebrate being gay at Grade 8? I’m very gay a lot of the time, so when can I take my Grade 1?

Tell you what darling, special treat as we’re stuck in traffic, why don’t you put on Nanny Mcphee on DVD?

Yay!

A few minutes later.

Mummy, look over there, that man is wearing bin liner knickers.

AAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA (manic cackling).

Has Imogen woken up?

AAAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (even more disturbing manic cackling)

Mummy look, that man has got no bottom on his trousers. His BUM is hanging out. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Mummy, mummy, mummy! Look. That lady thinks she’s a dog! She’s wearing a SPIKY DOG COLLAR. AAAAARGH! Look, why is that other woman holding her lead, like Charlie. Are they playing a game of Lady and the Tramp?

Yes darling I think they probably are.

Mummy, who are the ladyboys of Bangkok?

Right, well they are boys who like to dress up as ladies to make people laugh.

Why?

Well because they do. What would you do if you saw a boy in a dress?

I’d laugh. AAAAARGH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But mummy they are wearing feather boas and sparkly swimming costumes. They look really pretty. Can I be a ladyboy when I grow up?

Well, no, because you are a girl, so you won’t need to dress up like one.

Well I’m still going to wear a sparkly costume and feathers and pretend I’m one.

That’s nice dear.

Can we go and see them please?

*mind tracks back to when I saw Danny LaRue in Paignton aged six and checks for any lasting damage, then realises that Fr. Robin will throw a blue fit if it gets out that his wife has taken his daughter to see the LadyBoys of Bangkok. Not to mention scenarios at school when they ask what the children did over the summer and drawings of ladyboys are produced*

It doesn’t matter, look there’s one over there. I’m going to give her my biggest smile and wave.Hello Mrs Ladyboy, my name is Isabella and one day I’m going to grow up and be the prettiest ladyboy in the world and get my grade 8 at being gay”.

Oh my sainted trousers!

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