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End of the line

February 22, 2012 by blondpidge

This blog and my online life has reached the end of the line.

I’d like to thank everyone who has supported me with their comments over the life of the blog.

I’ve realised that attempting to be a voice in the public square takes too much emotional energy and I can no longer cope with fall-out.

I am not a professional, I’ve never done this for money, I didn’t join Catholic Voices for the money or for any personal reasons, other than I thought I’d be good at it; on paper it should work, I’m articulate, reasonable and presentable.

In the last few months, I’ve been criticised from every side. From orthodox Catholics for being too liberal and from atheists or members of the LGBT lobby for being too hate-filled.

I’ve had an online stalker, pursing my every move, contacting other Catholic bloggers to dig dirt on me, blogging nasty unpleasant and untrue fantasies, (apparently I always wanted to be a model – anyone) which most people thought seemed the work of a deranged lunatic and who, on being asked to stop, besieged Neil Addison, who was advising me in a private capacity, with 16 unsolicited emails regarding the state of my mental health. When Neil formally wrote to her to tell her actions could be construed as harassment, she publically blogged his letter, went off on several prolonged rants about me and then incited her 4,000 followers to have a go at my feed. All the while, I have had to stay totally silent so as not to incite the situation further. She sporadically threatens me with the police for some imagined offence or other. She claims that the police are on the verge of arresting me and protecting her from me. As many know, the truth is somewhat different. But being under constant threat of being reported to the police for something you haven’t done, and wondering what is going to trigger another outburst, naming me and ranting away, resulting in tweets asking me to leave her alone, when I’ve done absolutely nothing, takes its toll. Particularly on someone who is in the early stages of a difficult pregnancy with all the hormones involved. Obviously some people forget what it is like to feel pregnant and vulnerable.

Her narrative, “Caroline plays the victim and has a track record for mental health problems” has fed into today’s attack. This is not my being paranoid. When attempting to discredit me earlier for being a hardline unreasonable fundamental zealot, this tweeter noted “she is a nutter with a proven track record of mental health problems”. I have no such history and I object to being smeared in the same manner and with the same malevolence as the targets of Johann Hari.

A comment today tells me that I am a poor representative for Catholic Voices, I should not spend time on Twitter. Apparently I am a hypocrite for trying to unite all sides, for “cosying up to James Preece, Laurence England and Paul Priest”.

I spend time on Twitter for the same reason many do. A bit of interaction with the real world, interspersed with looking after my children who aren’t always capable of giving great feedback. I spend most of the day with a baby and a toddler, my mobile phone is the odd distraction – I don’t buy papers.

Even at time of typing this, I can see someone on Twitter is inciting more trolling, saying “she is blondpidge, have fun”.  After two whole months of what feels like unprecedented abuse, I’ve had enough, I’ve reached saturation point.

It just seems wholly pointless. Traditional Catholics think I’m too liberal, everyone else thinks its fine to shout abuse and call names, without ever engaging in the points I have to make. Apparently I am a bigot who hides behind my faith, but no-one can actually tell me where I have shown any hatred or intolerance for other people.

None of the Catholics who attacked me for being too liberal have stood up for me today. The Catholic blogosphere seems to be for Catholics only, whereas what I have tried and failed to do is to take the debate into the public square.

Over the last 18 months I have been called every name under the sun and just expected to take it, that’s the price for putting your views out there. I never expected validation, but I never expected the unprecedented amounts of hatred and abuse either.

So trolls and bullies you’ve won. I can’t take it any more. You have to be made of hardier stuff than me if you want to be a Catholic on the internet. Or, you have to keep your mouth shut and your head down. Woe betide you if you actually dare to defend any of the stuff that you might believe in with people who aren’t Catholic. Other Catholics get by, simply by not engaging in the neuralgic issues. They talk about Catholic social teaching with each other, but don’t bother with the world at large. Perhaps if Catholics want to take a look at my timeline and those of the others involved, they will see what actually happens if you dare to use the theological language of the Catechism, even if it is in public conversation with another Catholic.

When I’m at the stage, where my head is literally banging from spending hours crying, when a false accusation “you LIE, apologise now”, repeated more than once, not followed up by anything resembling an apology, only a “oh sorry, I was mistaken”, after attempting to prove otherwise see there I go again, victim mode again, but as I said, this stuff hurts, when my husband is in tears at how his “lovely, gentle wife, who would do anything for anyone, is beside herself” when I literally don’t know what to do with myself, when I think I’ve failed, failed God, failed Christ, because all people can do is scream and shout hatred in my ears and tell me that I am insane I’ve had enough.  When people watch me cry and laugh at my distress, “lol, I saw her posts, 18 paragraphs of victimhood lol” then I’ve had enough. When a prominent Christian blogger seems to have bought into this narrative, despite being assured by those in the know that I am not guilty of whatever it is he seems to be accusing me of and spends 48 hours publically accusing me, despite others telling him to stop, I’ve had enough.  When my anger at the sheer injustice of this and my upset prevents me from sleeping and starts to affect my prayer life, I’ve had enough. When someone says, “I won’t allow her to affect my view of dozens of loving Christians”, despite the fact that at least one shares identical views to me, then clearly I’ve failed as I’ve not communicated myself as being decent, loving or Christian. That is perhaps what upsets me the most.

I’d still be honoured to write the odd feature for the Catholic Herald or other publications as and when the opportunities present themselves. That seems to be the one arena where I have been well-received perhaps because the readership doesn’t automatically view me through the lens of antipathy.

This is how battles are won by activists. By wearing the opponents down. By bullying, berating and discrediting. Someone stronger can do it. I don’t actually have the strength any more. Thanks for listening.

Posted in Uncategorized | 27 Comments »

Victim?

February 22, 2012 by blondpidge

I am currently in Twitter jail, so I cannot respond to the repeated messages calling me a bigot and a “dumb bitch”.

What happened “this time”?

Well, stupidly enough, I spotted a tweet on the subject of same sex marriage which was hoping to make the point that the Church of England in this country, some of whom are opposing same sex marriage, is apparently undermining it’s very foundation which is based on a redefinition of marriage. That’s a point with which I disagree, being historically inaccurate. Henry VIII did not seek to redefine marriage. On the contrary he was a great believer in it, so much so, that he wished to have his existing one nullified, but the Pope would famously not agree.

If Henry had sought to redefine marriage then he would have introduced laws on polygamy. What he was trying to do was get a ruling on whether or not Catherine of Aragon could in fact be considered his legal wife, given that she had been married to his elder brother Arthur. The case relied upon whether or not her previous marriage had been consummated, the subsequent investigations, caused great personal anguish and humiliation to Catherine.

I corrected a Retweet that was being propagated as a meme which then descended into a general “debate” about same sex marriage. I am so fed up with this perjorative “bigot” label. Just a reminder of what it means from the OED:

having or revealing an obstinate belief in the superiority of one’s own opinions and a prejudiced intolerance of the opinions of others

But of course, that’s hiding isn’t it? Hiding behind language apparently. Like Humpty Dumpty, language can only mean what the person using it wants it to mean.

I have repeatedly been called a bigot, friends have weighed in and called me the same, I have been called me a dumb bitch, a moron, someone suggested that my private parts should be filled with cement, my mental health is smeared, I am a hardline zealot who hides underneath the cloak of respectability and reason, it is important to remember that I am not representative of all Catholics, people have been incited to look at my timeline, I am a tragic figure, ignorant, sad and grey, a loud victim Christian, not a normal kind reasonable one, delusional, a nutter with a track record of poor mental health (evidence please), my views are “dressed up as reason and truth”, a bully, a mentalist, a gobshite, on the fringe….

I was tempted to blog the screenshots. I won’t because it makes it even more unduly personal. But not once did I insult or be rude or personal. If I opened this tweeter up to the floor, it was because he had already incited his thousands of followers to weigh in and they have spent the best part of 8 hours attacking.

What caused it?  This exchange with Laurence England where he said:

The Church, doesn’t call homosexual orientation a sin but an ‘objective, instrinsic moral disorder’.

It is important the Catechism isn’t ‘spun’ on that point nor that it is overlooked.

It is there for a reason and a good one at that. It isn’t there to demean homosexuals but to state the Truth that the homosexual orientation is a disordered aspect of our human nature.

My response:

Laurence – yes I know that homosexual orientation is an intrinsic disorder and I am happy to accept and acknowledge that point.

The problem is, as you know, that many many people misunderstand what this means and find it offensive. Now the truth must not be hidden simply because it is offensive to some BUT when this comes up, I tend to explain that the Catechism is couched in theological and philosophical language as it is a teaching document. What the phrase morally disordered means, as I understand, is applying the principles of natural law, which isn’t as some people understand simply looking at nature (hence we get given examples of homosexual primates) but looking at what our bodies are “ordered towards” and that is not homosexual tendencies.

Not hateful, not intolerant, just stating that I agree with an opinion and accepting that it can be seen as offensive so it’s important to contextualise.

I like Twitter, I enjoy interacting with people, which is why I had considered giving it up for Lent. But if I do give it up, it feels very much like conceding to bullying. Someone has just called me a coward because I don’t want to engage with his insults.

I don’t play the victim. This kind of stuff does really hurt and upset me. Invective and insults tend to do that, I don’t have a thick skin, I wish I did. I don’t want to stop people’s freedom of speech, but I do wish people could stop and think that there is a human being at the end of the computer. One of the things my faith teaches me is that every human being is of equal dignity and worth. That is why I don’t stoop to nastiness, because a lot of the invective de-humanises others, it says “your opinion is not of value because you are not of value”. 

And that is why I get so upset, because I know how damaging de-humanising is, both ideologically and when you are on the other end of it. It’s a dangerous path. I don’t treat anyone as though they are worthless no matter how much I may disagree with them. If there is one thing that drives me, one principle that I attempt to zealously stick to its the Golden Rule. Treat others how you would like to be treated. Love one another. An opposition to same sex marriage is not an indication of hatred  or born out of fear or spite.

I am defending marriage because I feel passionately about it, not because I wish to do damage to anyone. If people think I am playing the pathetic victim, they ought to feel how they would like it if they were spoken about in such derogatory terms and discussed with acidity behind others’ backs.

I do think it is important to highlight what happens to Christians who dare expound these views in the public square. I do think people should see the ugly kind of bullying which attacks the person and not the argument. What started off as a historical debate, dissolved into personal abuse. And yes, I do consider having my private parts filled with cement an abusive thing to say, I do consider being repeatedly called a bigot without that being qualified abusive, I do consider having my mental health smeared, called names, accused of being unrepresentative of Christians, a coward and ignorant, abusive. It is certainly hurtful. My point about disorder that was thrown about has not been meaningfully engaged with.

I haven’t named the tweeter involved, most people watching will have seen who it is, but I understand that this is a difficult issue for him, hence the passion and at times vicious ferocity.

I have accepted that having a certain number of followers on Twitter incurs a certain responsibility. Hence I try to be aware of what I say about others. If anyone called anyone else a name on my behalf, I apologise. I did not see that happen however.

If you don’t want others to “play the role of persecuted Christian” then there is a simple answer. Engage with the arguments, not the person.

It’s interesting, not once did I play the “persecuted Christian” role, I expressed that I was personally finding a lot of the perjorative name calling hurtful. That’s probably the reason why I elicited the response stating that I was hardline, not like proper Christians and not a victim but pretending. The LGBT lobby don’t like having their victim status taken away from them.

I’m very tempted never to defend marriage again on any forum, on the internet or in public if asked, having yet another experience of what happens when you dare to do so. But then to do so is to let bullies win.

Those who criticise Catholic Voices remember that this is going to be the level of personal abuse and invective that we, as individuals, are going to be subject to if we go on the media. You’ll have to possess skin like rawhide. I don’t know if I’m up to it.

Posted in Uncategorized | 18 Comments »

Political suicide

February 16, 2012 by blondpidge

Firstly a quick bit of housekeeping – blogging may be sporadic over the coming weeks and months because I am up to my eyes in other projects, starting with a talk at the University of Oxford’s Catholic Society, next week entitled “Catholicism and Feminism”. This post therefore will be mercifully brief.

On the subject of the Personhood Bill passed in Virginia, whilst whole-heartedly agreeing with the notion of personhood from the moment of conception, when it comes to the idea of a compulsory trans-vaginal ultrasound prior to an abortion, the answer has to be: NO, NO, NO!!

Has whoever dreamt up this scheme actually been subject to this procedure? I have had one or two in my time and it is a deeply distressing, invasive and humiliating procedure. It doesn’t matter how nicely the nurse holds your hand and comfortingly talks about where you are going on holiday, the procedure is still unpleasant and uncomfortable.

The medical grounds are spurious, I have been able to have an abdominal ultrasound that saw a sac at 5 weeks in pregnancy which is possible with a full bladder. By the time most women discover they are pregnant they are usually at least 5 weeks pregnant. Modern day detection kits may tell you earlier, but these tend to be the preserve of those hoping to conceive. Most who are attempting to prevent pregnancy won’t be testing 6 days before their cycle is due to start but tend to leave it a good week after a missed period, hoping that the delay is caused by stress or another factor. By this point, most women will be a good 4-5 weeks pregnant if not more. An abortion is an abortion, no better for the baby at whatever stage it is performed.

This kind of law buys into the silly polemic that one gets so sick and tired of hearing from the pro-choice lobby, such as “Stop poking around between my legs you vicious bigot”. It confirms every single negative prejudice held about those who wish to protect the lives of our unborn and speaking from an unashamedly pro-life perspective, it gives the impression that women who seek abortions must be punished. How does punishing women help to provide better pro-life solutions? A woman seeking an abortion may not be deterred but she will be resentful and humiliated. How does this treatment display care and compassion?

The state has no right to decide that a woman must undergo an invasive and medically unnecessary procedure. It damages the cause no end. A more sensible law would be that an abortion may not be performed until an abdominal ultrasound may be performed, which is normally possible at 5-6 weeks.

I suggest the following amendment as being the most appropriate if the legislators are adamant on committing pro-life suicide and retaining this barmy idea:

The partner of the woman presenting for abortion must be subjected to an anal probe in the name of equality. If the partner is unavailable then a representative of the legislature must make themselves available.

Horrendous idea. Utter madness. Not in my name.

Thank you well meaning GoPers. You can just see the foaming Guardian headlines over the forthcoming weeks. UK pro-lifers will be tarred with the same brush.

You know where you can stick that idea,

Posted in Abortion | Tagged , , , | 19 Comments »

Soho Scandal

February 4, 2012 by blondpidge

Fr Tim Finnegan has posted a link containing footage from the infamous Soho Square Gay Masses.

Whilst I am always very wary about jumping on bandwagons, the footage shown does seem rather worrying. Without ever having attended one, I can only give the perspective of a third party, which is that from what I have seen, these Masses would appear to be very unhelpful pastorally. Whilst the magisterium is very clear that homosexuality is not a sin, it is also abundantly clear that we are made in the image of God and as such there are so many more facets to our humanity than our sexual preferences. The main problem with the LGBT movement and also with feminism to some extent, is that they identify themselves purely on the basis of sexuality, or in the case of feminism, gender. To live a lifestyle solely centred around one aspect of your humanity is deeply problematic as it limits spiritual growth and encourages self-centredness.

Rainbow flags and transgender wigs should have no place therefore in a Mass which is primarily concerned with sacrifice and following the example of Christ and giving everything up to the Lord. These very secular and earthly symbols are signs of our clinging on to ourselves, of celebrating our sins as virtues and of how we block out God.

With that in mind, I see no problem with holding specific Masses to meet a pastoral need. I can well see how a regular Mass offering intentions for those struggling to remain chaste could be enormously helpful and how Catholics with same sex attraction could find the support invaluable. I presume that this was the intention behind these Masses. Apparently some very reputable speakers such as Fr Timothy Radcliffe have been involved, so I am loathe to condemn them as a hotbed of heterodoxy and encouragement to sin.

I am also in accordance with the notion that those who are making judgements on who should receive communion must “hold their tongues”. Canon law is very clear that the decision on whether to receive or not lies with the individual worshipper and the priest. If a priest judges a person fit to receive then we must trust the judgement that accompanies his power as Christ’s representative here on earth in the sacraments and the charism of ordination. It is not for any of us to be Pharasaical based on assumption or outward appearances.

But what is apparent is that regardless of the intention behind the Soho Masses, regardless of the realities and the personal circumstances of those attending, they appear to be contradicting the teaching of the Church and reinforcing spiritually damaging behaviour. They are certainly causing confusion in the national press, with various commentators citing them as examples of a ‘more modern enlightened’ Church.

They therefore need to stop, not only for the scandal that they are causing, but also for the hurt that they are causing so many faithful Catholics including those who are eschewing a gay lifestyle and identity and attempting to live chastely. If not stopped, then they need to be radically overhauled, a specific targeted Mass is one thing, a celebration of a potentially erroneous lifestyle (I use potentially because I cannot judge the situations of those I don’t know), quite another. It is also not congruent with a Church who is fighting to stop the redefinition of marriage.

Perhaps a different location and a different liturgical feel is needed for these Masses? We are all sinners, homosexuality in itself is no sin, but living an actively homosexual life will damage your relationship with God and must not be endorsed. Even if the reality is very different, this seems to be the message that is being sent out so some changes urgently need to be made, whilst ensuring adequate pastoral support is in place.

Whilst a rainbow flag is a sign of welcome and indeed all sinners are welcome, regardless, in the Church, the flag is seen as embracing a LGBT lifestyle. Those brandishing the flag must be aware that it is a highly charged political symbol with no more place in a Church than a political party logo. I live in Brighton, I am surrounded by Rainbow flags, I know what they symbolise and that is not “we are living in accordance with the Magisterium of the Catholic Church“.

Posted in Catholicism | Tagged | 24 Comments »

Brokenness

February 3, 2012 by blondpidge

There is a situation that I really want to talk about but cannot for legal reasons. It has caused much pain and suffering over the past year and still continues to rumble on. All I can say is that I am confident that the truth will out and ask for everybody’s prayers and compassion, not only for myself, but the other individual involved.

There is however, something I wish to explain, which is deeply personal, but I think perhaps is necessary in order to shed light upon why I may often give the impression of being perhaps disproportionately hurt by some of the various online jostling and may also explain why I may appear overly defensive at times online.

Those who know me in real life, will testify that I am not an aggressive individual in the slightest. Typically English, I’m quite backwards at coming forwards and perhaps one of the reasons why I am struggling a lot in term of managing the practicalities of juggling quite so many balls, is that I’m absolutely useless as asking for help. I feel like I am imposing on others, that assistance in anything is an admission of failure. It’s like I need to be superwoman, run a perfect home, look after the children, manage university work and write the odd commission every now and again. All whilst maintaing a flawless appearance without a hair out of place. In short I suffer from the sin of pride and lack the humility and grace to ask for help and accept it when it is needed. I need to learn to receive and to let others learn to how to give.

Whilst I’m sure that psycho-analysts and social theorists could find all sorts of reasons for my innate perfectionism and need to be a high achiever, there is another factor that comes into play, one that I rarely talk about, that is still raw and that I attempt to block out on a day to day basis and one that I’m still scared to talk about now, just contemplating it is producing hot stinging tears which are splashing onto my shiny laptop. When I was eighteen, I was in a relationship with a 31 year old man. It was a mess. It was coercive and violent. It was my first proper relationship and it scarred me more deeply than perhaps I have realised until recently.

He was volatile and possessive, being acutely aware of the age gap. When we met he had showered me with affection and presents, it was my first adult relationship and I had no idea that this wasn’t normal behaviour. His moods would swing on a tuppence. He was controlling over what I wore, alarm bells should have rung on an early date, when he came to pick me up, we were supposed to be going to a bar to meet his friends and a thick brooding silence overhung in the car. Eventually he said to me “I can’t take you out tonight, you look like a whore, all my friends will be looking down your top at what is mine and they will think you are easy and I will be embarrassed”. Despite my innate sense of injustice, I asked him whether or not my top really was that low-cut as I didn’t think it was. He assured me that it was and that I had spoiled his evening and I should have not been so selfish and thoughtless when getting ready. I replied that I was trying to look “nice” I had no idea that I looked even vaguely tarty, which elicited a slap. I cried, he ranted and raved, I then apologised.

That was really the pattern. The problem was that everyone else, including my parents, had invested so much into this relationship, after all we had been intimate, we HAD to get married, that all of the violence, all of the dysfunction was overlooked. It was blamed upon my being too young, too immature and the general sympathy was with him. We started living together and every time I tried to return home, my mother would phone him up to come and collect me like an errant schoolgirl. All sorts of things would set him off, one problem was that his mother had been a housewife, who prior to the return of her husband would change her dress and freshen up her lipstick. He expected me to do that. He once came home to find me “looking like the swamp monster” which caused another episode. I was on a supposed year out before starting university. He did not want me to go, neither did my parents, they wanted me to get married. I didn’t qualify for a grant. I was trapped. He used to choose what underwear I was to wear before going out to my part-time job, anything fancy would make him suspicious. He used to insist on buying clothes that weren’t my taste at all. He once beat me for not having the courtesy to ask him before switching the fire on when I was cold. I lived on eggshells, anything could set him off and you could guarantee it would be my fault, and he would keep hitting until I said sorry. Like the time he called me ignorant because I was reading a book instead of raptly watching him land a 747 into Hong Kong on Microsoft Flight Simulator. One one occasion he threatened me with a bread knife. One another he threw my car keys down the loo saying “you either leave here in a body bag or not at all”, on another, he physically sat on my chest preventing me from moving. I used to dread the days that he would attempt his give up smoking ritual. Nicotine gum and bags of sweeties would be purchased and he would psyche himself into a foul mood. I had to wait on him hand on foot those days, so delicate was his constitution and his temper. Giving up smoking is a tricky business and he needed to be wrapped in cotton wool and have my full support. Any lapse back to smoking was always my fault for causing the stress.

Eventually I did get out and instantly understood what it meant to be free. But it left deep and lasting scars. My parents blamed my immaturity for the breakdown of the relationship, the violence was brushed under the carpet, downplayed and as an inevitable consequence of my shortcomings, which is what made it so difficult to leave, because I thought that it was my fault and that if I could just adapt a bit better, that things would all come good, that he would stop hitting me.

Why is this relevant? Today, I understood the word “trigger” for the first time. Whilst talking about a specific type of online abuse with another Tweeter, she said “I used to find it very triggering, it reminded me of my grandmother’s rages”. A lightbulb clicked. Over the past few months, Robin has said to me, “I think your past makes you react to the online stuff in a very specific way. You cower, you look frightened, like you used to  look in the early days of our relationship”. Which is true. When we were first dating,I was really conflict averse. I couldn’t cope with even minor rows and would cower and flinch, which would make matters worse as understandably Robin was devastated by the signals I was inadvertently giving out, i.e. “please don’t hurt me”.

When the some of the online ranting starts, that is how I feel. It’s particularly hard on Twitter, because the nature of it does not allow for nuance, the medium is very direct and often it seems like question after question after question. The speed of it is dizzying at times and it can be quite disorientating. This is the effect that online ranting and name-calling has. I feel my heart-rate accelerating, my breathing quickening, my hands shaking and I feel sick. Particularly if what is being said consists of invective, but even liberal use of caps for emphasis, comes across as shouting. It has the effect of making me want to hide under the sofa or retreat into my shell, but at the same time defend myself. I don’t cope too well with seeing calumny writ large in front of one. I have difficulty letting what I see as blatant injustices stand. But it might explain why I take things more personally than most. I realised that being subject to this kind of rant, was producing exactly the same kind of reaction that I had when I was in a dysfunctional relationship. Fear, terror and adrenalin. It self-perpetuates, because psychologically a certain name will be associated with a certain reaction, so I’ll find myself shaking before I’ve even seen what’s said.

Today was the first time that I realised that certain people act as triggers that provoke certain reactions, which is not a stress I need at the moment. I’m sure all that adrenalin can’t be good for the baby, so I think I am going to calm it down a little. But I cried like I haven’t cried in years, when the realisation of my reaction hit me and memories suppressed in a dusty little box in my brain came pouring out, scene after scene after scene flashing through my head.

I wouldn’t publish a comment this week, because it berated me for putting personal stuff out on the net and informed me that everybody hated me and that this must be for a reason. I have to stop putting my head above the parapet.

I’ve been considering that. And then reflecting on the psalm reading of last Sunday. I am undoubtedly broken, but then all of us are broken in our own way. Even if we are healed, the scars are still there, no matter how minute. Is it so bad to be broken, to be vulnerable? Look at Christ on the cross, his body contorted, bloodied and broken and yet still compellingly beautiful.

“Oh that today you would listen to his voice, harden not your heart.”

As I said a few months ago, Catholic women need thick skins online. My father used to say to me when I was little that I wore my heart on my sleeve too much, I have to toughen up. I still haven’t managed that. But then neither did Christ who put himself out there, who repeatedly made himself vulnerable for His Father’s Kingdom. Christ did not harden his heart, he knew that there would be those who hated what he had to said, who could not bear it and who wanted rid of him. If we harden our hearts to others then we harden our hearts to Christ. If we retreat into a shell, then we render ourselves unable to receive Him in his fullness and to impart Him to others.

We have to accept ourselves in all our brokeness and vulnerability and through that unite ourselves to Calvary. I am broken and weary. I have seen the most evil and unkind falsehoods written down about me and about others. Lies have been perpetuated and elaborate and bizarre fabrications woven. I desperately want to fight them, to hold this ugliness up to the light, I cannot believe that anyone would behave quite so callously as to calmly lie in order to cause such a devastating impact and attempt to destroy lives. I get so upset because though I have very many flaws, lying is not one of them and neither is shouting or aggression. Which is why I find that kind of behaviour so difficult to understand. I am incredibly frustrated that I am advised that I must remain silent for now. I want to shout the injustice from the rooftops.

I am broken. But I have the support of many many people, the intercession of the saints and of Our Blessed Virgin and above all the comfort of Christ. The other person is broken. Their mind is in torment. They have none of these things. They know only anger, bitterness, rage, scorn, contempt and self-deception. Pray for us both. Miserere nobis.

Posted in Personal, social media | Tagged , , | 11 Comments »

Clicktivism

January 31, 2012 by blondpidge

I’m usually very sceptical of clicktivism, it is a poor substitute for direct action, but I’ve decided to make an exception. For those who haven’t heard of the anti-abortion group, Abort 67, it’s worth checking out their site here.

Their protests outside the Wistons Clinic on Chatsworth Road are currently putting the wind up BPAS, who are so concerned that they have attempted to have the protesters, who are protesting legally, arrested on multiple occasions. No charges have been brought however. I spied various pro-choicers plotting some counter-action on Twitter, apparently today they were out “undercover” although sources tell me that Abort67 are well aware of the other side’s attempts to mobilise against them and are quite happy to engage in open discourse. In fact Andy Stephenson has offered to debate Clare Murphy of BPAS live on radio, after she denounced them, however she declined the invitation, despite the fact that BBC radio were happy to host the conversation.

All credit to Abort67, who are obviously managing to unnerve the pro-abort lobby, to the extent that they are attempting to have the group banned. They are a little bit stuck however, as they admit themselves on Twitter, these protests are legal, therefore they are getting their heads together to see how Abort67 may be stopped. How very democratic!

If further proof of their success were needed, sources tell me that pro-choicers now refuse to visit those schools who have been open-minded enough to allow Abort 67 in to show presentations to their (older) pupils, to offer a counter-opinion. Such is the effectiveness of the Abort 67 presentation, the pro-abort groups know that there is little they can do to counter it, other than attempt to lobby the church in Worthing in which members of Abort 67 worship. This has conversely resulted in an upswell of support for them.

Of course the usual accusations of harassment have been thrown about, I have not admittedly manned an Abort 67 demonstration, however I can testify to having met Andy Stephenson, the leader of Abort 67, a man who gives the impression of being overflowing with compassion and who possess all the aggression of a golden retriever on valium.

One of the things that the pro-choicers were attempting to crow about was what they presumed to be the relatively low site stats of Abort67. I am currently adding them to my blogroll, as well as a link to their video – warning it’s graphic.

I think it would be really helpful if ALL Catholic and pro-life bloggers could consider adding Abort 67 to their blogrolls, and/or sporadically linking to their videos. Even better get in touch with them, steel your stomachs for their material and see about organising local protests and rallies. Even better than that, give them some financial support if you are able. I really believe that they are worthy of our support, they seem to be the first group out there, along with 40 days for Life who are managing to seriously put the wind up the abortion clinics. This isn’t a plea to support them over and above any other pro-life group, that people may have affiliations or support for, I think Abort 67 are very different to other groups in that they are engaging in direct action, they are courageously going out there, risking the wrath and enmity of the public in order to confront people with the gruesome reality that constitutes abortion. Though many have their reservations about graphic imagery, it is becoming increasingly evident to me that in a society that wishes to sanitise abortion with pastel coloured logos and the vague language of social validation designed to subliminally influence and coerce women into believing that abortion is a simple clean procedure, people need to be aware of the reality, if hearts and minds are to change. What is interesting is to note that many women who have had abortions, actually thank Abort 67 upon seeing their displays, reporting that it has given them an increased awareness and a chance to heal or grieve. Many state that had they known then, what they know now, they would not have undergone the procedure. Others are resolved to protect themselves and their loved ones from ever experiencing such violence. No wonder BPAS and MSI despise them.

Abort 67 are passionate and courageous defenders of the unborn, who engage in direct action.They don’t impinge upon other organisations – their mission is not to provide counselling or assistance (although they will point people to organisations who will help), they are there to tell a story. They are prepared to do what many of us are not. For that they deserve our support and our prayers. Let’s give them the encouragement that they deserve, even if that is only a link on your blogroll. I do not care that Abort 67 are not a Catholic group. I do not care that they are Evangelical Christians. I care about the unborn and I give whole-hearted support to anyone, regardless of creed, race, gender or sexuality who is prepared to go out there and take action that pricks consciences and saves lives.

For those who will call us nutters or lunatics – what is that angers you so much? What is wrong with showing the procedure in all its reality? Would it be acceptable to abort a puppy or a kitten? Why is acceptable to do this to a human being? Name-calling makes very little difference in any event, in the words of Andy Stephenson:

We don’t care what you think about us. We care what you think about abortion and, the angrier you are now, the harder it will be for you to get the reality of abortion out of your head. If you have a functioning conscience and possess a level of intellectual honesty then you will eventually reason that you are right to be angry but you are just angry at the wrong people

The pictures are sick because what they portray is sick. We aren’t the ones killing the babies in the pictures, the abortionists are.

If people can look at the pictures and want to attack us that is the sure sign of a selfish narcissistic culture. When we look at pictures of the Holocaust, do we get angry at the teacher or the ones who committed the atrocity?

I think what surprised me most of all was the intellectual courage and honesty of the pro-choice feminist Naomi Woolf:

The pro-choice movement often treats with contempt the pro-lifers’ practice of holding up to our faces their disturbing graphics….[But] how can we charge that it is vile and repulsive for pro-lifers to brandish vile and repulsive images if the images are real? To insist that truth is in poor taste is the very height of hypocrisy. Besides, if these images are often the facts of the matter, and if we then claim that it is offensive for pro-choice women to be confronted by them, then we are making a judgment that women are too inherently weak to face a truth about which they have to make a grave decision. This view is unworthy of feminism.

In the meantime do you have the courage to take a look at the video below? Here is how the abortion providers describe it.

http://www.abort67.co.uk/plugins/content/jw_allvideos/players/mediaplayer_4.3.swf

Posted in Abortion | Tagged , , | 6 Comments »

Sound familiar?

January 31, 2012 by blondpidge

I’ve just finished writing a piece for this week’s Catholic Herald about the feminist and pro-life movements, which involved some research into the life and work of some of the pioneers of feminism in the eighteenth and nineteenth century. Women who led the way in terms of securing equality of education, employment and opportunity.

I was particularly struck by the words of the relatively obscure Sarah F Norton –  public speaker, writer for feminist publications, and member of the Working Women’s Association who advocated for the education of women and girls and equal opportunity in the workplace and equal pay for women. We have very little detail other than her writings, but together with the better-known Susan B Anthony, they fought for the admission of women to Cornell University and as a result a year after her campaigning, in 1870, Cornell University became one of the first universities in the United States to admit women.

Writing in the feminist newspaper, Woodhull & Claflin’s Weekly, Norton denounced the proliferation of advertisements for the “fast increasing crime of foeticide” . 

This passage will have particular resonance for anyone who takes issue with the ubiquitous nature of those blatant abortion post-conception advertisements, soon to filter in to our living rooms. Abortion advertising is clearly not just a twenty-first century phenomena or anomaly. Twas ever thus.

[C]hild-murder is an easy and every-day affair…. [C]hild murderers practice their profession without let or hinderance, and open infant butcheries unquestioned, establishing themselves with an impunity that is not allowed to the slaughterers of cattle…. Scores of persons advertise their willingness to commit this form of murder, and with unblushing effrontery announce their names and residences in the daily papers. No one seems to be shocked by the fact…. [C]irculars are distributed broadcast, recommending certain pills and potions for the very purpose, and by these means the names of these slayers of infants, and the methods by which they practice their life-destroying trade, have become “familiar in our mouths as household words.” …Is there no remedy for all this ante-natal child murder? …Perhaps there will come a time when… an unmarried mother will not be despised because of her motherhood… and when the right of the unborn to be born will not be denied or interfered with.

It would seem that we still have a long way to go.

Posted in Abortion, Feminism | 2 Comments »

Swimming in custard

January 27, 2012 by blondpidge

I warn you now, this isn’t going to be a particularly upbeat post, so those of a nervous disposition – look away now. As I always say – my blog, my gaffe, my rules and if I want to have a jolly good moan, then frankly I’m going to.

So where are we? Last Friday, Radio Kerry asked me to contribute in their lunchtime talking heads programme about the case of Denum Ellarby, the little boy with Downs Syndrome who has been asked to delay his First Holy Communion. I was quite nervous but on balance think it went quite well and had some positive feedback and constructive criticism from other Catholics.

That night I received a horrendous poison pen email. I have no idea who it was from – some clever Johnny has worked out how to access my email from a WhoIs lookup and thinks it a jolly good wheeze to send me streams of poison, telling me what other people are saying about me. By other people I mean the ladies from a mumsnet-type forum I left over a year ago. Whilst I don’t think it’s constructive to engage in any further criticism of this forum which always results in streams of vitriol and people defending the “lovely supportive group of people” and my being accused of Munchausen’s (yawn), I obviously found this more than a little hurtful. As it comes from a DNS – do not reply server, I can neither block nor reply to it.

A complicated pregnancy

A bit of background. For those who don’t know and I’m not inclined to make all my confidential medical details public, I had a scare a few weeks ago, following some excruciating pain which saw me in A&E. A hopelessly over-excited SHO decided that it was an ectopic pregnancy and decided to prescribe methothroxate without actually having scanned me. I obviously objected – on an ethical level, methothroxate is an unacceptable treatment as it constitutes a direct attack upon the fetus. That doesn’t mean that Catholics are supposed to die from ectopic pregnancies or life threatening complications, but ethically, we are not supposed to do anything that is designed to directly kill the unborn child. A tubal removal would have been the answer, because it is removing the damaged tube to save the life of the mother – the side effect of which would have resulted in the death of the baby. It’s known as the concept of double effect. A mother suffering from life-threatening cancer and requiring treatment would not be expected to forgo the treatment for example, hopefully ways would be found to enable both lives to be saved, but in the worst possible scenario, any consequences for the baby would need to be as a side-effect and not a direct intention.

After a lot of deliberation and various shenanigans I was informed that I had something called a heterotopic pregnancy, a really rare condition whereby there is a surviving life pregnancy in utero and an ectopic one in the fallopian tube. Most amusingly, I was repeatedly asked by the doctors “now are you sure that you haven’t had any fertility treatment?” Like that’s something I’d just “forget”. Apparently it’s a condition that mainly affects those who have received IVF, the chances of it happening in a natural conception are 1:30,000.

Despite being told not to google, I did just that and thus we spent an agonising weekend, trying to work out what the best course of action might be. My thanks to Antony McCarthy from SPUC who proved enormously helpful – bio-ethics being his particular specialism. I was booked in for a laparoscopy on Monday, however after many more scans and blood tests, it was decided that it was not a heterotopic pregnancy after all, but merely an ovarian cyst, the pathology of which is similar to an ectopic pregnancy. As I had been exhibiting symptoms, including excoriating pain down one side all of which were presenting as identical to an ectopic, that is what they had been looking for, and upon scanning with a slightly older scanner up in the gynae department instead of the state of the art one in ultrasound (which was shut on a Friday night) they had spotted the live pregnancy and the mass on the fallopian tube. The pain is caused by torsion or twisting, hence I have been given painkillers. Although I felt something of a wimp, apparently cysts often do prove painful.

So what will they do to treat the cyst?

  1. Leave it, monitor it and hope it goes away, pregnancy hormones often stimulate the growth of cysts, but it may well go away and shrink of its own accord
  2. If it grows to more than 7cm and continues to cause pain then a procedure will be required to remove it, but ideally between 14 and 20 weeks
  3. Very worst case scenario – deliver the baby early, if the cyst grows too big in late pregnancy
At the moment I am still experiencing intermittent sharp pain.
As I said, I’m not going to launch into a huge attack on the mummy forum, I know that most of them are fundamentally decent people, but I don’t think anyone would relish receiving bitchy emails containing accusations of mental illness discussing my medical details and history and the thoughts of a group of women, whose company you are deliberately eschewing and avoiding, who seem to have nothing better to do than obsessively pour over my tweet feed and blog. Fundamentally however it is more their problem than mine. Years ago the kind of person who engages in this type of activity would obsessively keep scrapbooks and clippings, or spy behind the net curtains, logging neighbours’ movements. These days we have the internet.
Then there’s the midwife
So this week, I visited the midwife for my hour long booking in appointment. I had hoped to go alone, but the whole family has picked up another D&V virus from nursery this week (more on that later) so I had to take the two babies who were banned from nursery for 48 hours. It was one of those mornings. Scream scream scream SCREAM went the baby all morning. I couldn’t get dressed, I couldn’t get the toddler dressed, I couldn’t brush my teeth, hair, make breakfast, do anything without high pitched SCREAMING. “Stop it Licity, stop it, stop it stop it” shouted toddler, proceeding to pick up the biggest toy she could find and clatter the baby about the head. Toddler on naughty step – joint chorus of screaming.
I arrive at the midwife 10 minutes late, the surgery never has enough parking spaces so I had to park 1000 yards down the road on a busy street and manhandle the pair into a double buggy. I arrive into the surgery very flustered and toddler starts having a major tantrum because she wants out of the buggy and I won’t let her because of her habit of not staying with the toys in the toy corner, but running out of the front door and climbing all over the other patients. Just as I relent and she proves me right, I retrieve her from running out of the door, she throws herself on the floor in meltdown, baby starts to scream, out comes the midwife….
So into the midwife’s room I trot with two children in full-on meltdown, eliciting lots of sighs and huffing and puffing. Can’t you get someone to look after them for you, she asked. I explain that they have been ill and so aren’t allowed in nursery. Don’t you have anyone else to help you she asks. No, I reply, I don’t. What about family? No – one set in Wales, the other in Oxfordshire and a sister with 4 children of her own in Northampton. I’m not from Brighton, I don’t have any close friends here, only having moved here a few years ago and then having to move house just having got to know a certain area.
Well you’re clearly struggling she said, life isn’t going to get any easier for you with another baby and three small children, are you sure that this is the wisest option? I don’t agree with abortion, I replied, so this isn’t a discussion that I want to have. Well, alright, fair enough, but I’m just very concerned for you. Thanks, I appreciate it, what I need is some help, do you think you might be able to arrange that for me? No, sorry, you’ll have to speak to the health visitor once the baby is born.
So we go through my notes, etc etc and a lot is made of my advanced age (37) and the fact it’s my 4th pregnancy and all apparently rather risky. I need to go to thrombosis clinic as given that I’m so old and it’s my fourth baby, I’m at much greater risk of a blood clot?! I also get referred straight to consultant for discussions about whether or not I’ll be allowed to attempt a natural birth. Much tutting and talking about the risks of blood loss. Tut, tut, tsk, tsk, tsk. All the while the children are in meltdown. There are no toddler toys in the consulting room because they constitute a risk of contamination. I am asked why I didn’t bring anything to entertain them. I explain that I was in a rush, it was a difficult morning and I was trying to rush out of the house as quickly as possible. Tsk, tsk tsk. Tut, tut, tut. Then – what are you going to do about contraception once the baby has been born. I explain that we are either going to abstain for as long as it takes or we are contacting the couple-to-couple league for a belt and braces method. Not just examining one type of fertility marker, but all three and backed up by the persona device. If in doubt we’ll leave it out!
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tut, tut, tut. That is not good enough. Natural contraception just does not work. You cannot be in this situation again (as if I don’t know) what about sterilisation? I explain, briefly that contraception is out of the question for us as a couple. I don’t go into any detail, just explain that due to cultural beliefs we cannot use it. Well that’s ridiculous she says, you have to do something. I can’t, I tell her, it’s out of the question. Well in that case, I think I need to refer you to counselling. No, I don’t need counselling I tell her. Yes, you do she tells me, I have here in your notes that you suffer from ante-natal depression and there’s a huge risk of post-natal depression, unless you use contraception you are going to be very very ill and you need to understand that, as does your husband. Oh, he understands that alright, he understands that I am more than just a bit “sad” at the moment, but even IF I accepted what you are saying about contraception, which I don’t, if I get sterilised or use contraception behind my husband’s back, my marriage will be effectively over. We will never be intimate again and our marriage will be under huge strain. How will that help anyone, particularly the children? Well he needs counselling to make him understand. No, he doesn’t and nor do I, as a couple, contraception is OUR choice and OUR business, not for one person to hector another and given the situation, I hardly think we are going to take any future risks.
So it’s all a barrel of laughs so far. Then.
Sickness bleurgh.
11 weeks pregnant, and if anything the sickness is getting worse. The painkillers for the cyst are also adding to the upset stomach. On Monday night I started to projectile vomit and continued throughout the night. The baby decided to join in for good measure, then on Tuesday morning Robin starts to copiously vomit on his way to work. I go to wake up toddler and the cot is covered in piles of sick. It’s up the walls all over her toys, matted in her hair all over her pyjamas. I’ve never seen so much sick in my life and go through paroxysms of guilt. Why didn’t I hear her in the night? What if she’d choked on it?
Fortunately being the sturdy child she is, she seems to have recovered pretty swiftly, but it’s meant that nursery has been out of the question all week as have lectures and seminars. It was the first week back at University following reading week so great, I’m already behind again. At time of writing, Robin is still suffering for an upset stomach and so I am. It’s difficult to tell with me whether its a virus or just general sickness.
I’m still exhausted. Bunk beds not delivered yet, so baby is still in bed with me. She smells the milk and fusses and screams for feeding every hour. Robin has been taking her downstairs in the middle of the night and cuddling her to sleep away from the smell of the milk, but as soon as she comes back upstairs, one sniff of mummy and whaaaa. As Robin has to work really long days, it’s not fair to expect him to be up in the middle of the night with the baby, although he does so gladly. We don’t have a spare room, so that option is out of the question. I guess the only answer is for him to sleep on the sofa with the baby, which I can hardly ask him to do when he has to work. We’re just praying the bunk beds arrive soon so we can begin the whole crying down process – but fair to say we are currently both sick and exhausted.
Internet shenanigans
A few weeks ago, a rather unpleasant commenter, whose comments I refused to publish, set up an entire blog to tell the world what a wicked awful woman I was and not only that I am very ugly too, with a face like a horse. He is a known anti-Christian agitator, having trawled various Christian blogs, spouting absolute bile and poison. I refused to publish his comments not only because they were very personal and unpleasant, he’d gone to the trouble of finding out our former address and attempted to allude to potential going acquaintances, but more seriously, they were racist. Black African Christians are a complete anathema to him. I refused to give his nastiness and racism a voice and so he went off on a mad one, setting up his own personal anti-Caroline, face-like-a-horse blog. Other Christian bloggers also testify to his special brand of spite, he’s able to target in on areas of weakness, capable of an enormous amount of projection and goes in for pseudo psycho-analysis, my particular bete-noir.
One of the things he predicted with some accuracy is that the orthodox Catholic bloggers would turn against me. Which brings me on to:
The Pope of Corby
I have spent the last year receiving all kinds of abuse and bile from those who simply could not cope with my promulgation of Catholic doctrine. It’s a recurrent theme of this blog. Most of the time the earmuffs are firmly affixed, but it does get wearisome.
Recently I joined Catholic Voices because I thought I’d be good at it and I thought I had much to give. I had spent so much time engaged in written apologetics, I know Catholic social doctrine inside out and many people encouraged me, thinking I’d be a great spokesperson for the Church. I knew that the organisers had a bad press on the Catholic blogosphere, but I tend to seek as I find, make my own mind up about people and form my own opinions, as opposed to pre-judge. My crime was to give up three weekends, spend time and money travelling from Brighton to Leeds to learn media skills.
What that means is that I am now perceived as some kind of traitor. My blog, is no longer my own blog. No, it is an officially sanctioned Catholic Voices one, which I should not be allowed to hold, according to those on the Catholic blogosphere. When I write about my children, or my pregnancy, my dog, or anything else, that is an official Catholic Voices view apparently…
Joining Catholic Voices means that I have lost all capacity to think for myself. I am now an “establishment mouthpiece”, I have been indoctrinated into saying whatever the Bishops want me to say and as a result I am going against Church doctrine. I am following a “liberal socialist” agenda and need to think before I open my mouth.
Why? Because I happen not to automatically distrust everything that comes out of the Bishops’ mouths and seize on every announcement as proof of heterodoxy or pro-life dissent. As I’ve tried to critically engage with some of those areas which ARE prudential judgement, because I’ve listened to palliative care specialists and bio-ethicists with impeccable Catholic credentials on issues such as the Liverpool Care Pathway, I am now “pro-life lite”. I haven’t commented much on the Connexions issue, other than to note, that I don’t really know very much about it and from what I understand, the management of Connexions is supposed to be on a local school level. Connexions are apparently supposed to comply with the Catholic ethos of a school. I don’t know enough to support or defend it, but I am loathe to go shouting that compliance with the law is proof of heterodoxy.
Laughably I am told that I have a “liberal socialist” agenda and I am not a proper Catholic. The Pope of Corby and his team of navel gazing zombies seem far more interested in turning inwards and tearing each other apart, bullying me, and yes it IS bullying; a prolonged twitter bombardment starting on Christmas Eve, use of the imperative tense, which he still insists on using, liberally doling out warnings, not only to me, but also insults, branding colleagues of mine “Judas” and generally ranting non stop in an unhealthy and unhelpful fashion, trolling my tweet feed and telling whoever wants to listen that I have no right to comment on any Catholic issue whatsoever, all this amounts to bullying. He spent the whole of yesterday insulting and falsely accusing a colleague whose name he couldn’t be bothered to get correct. When I pointed out quite how hurtful he is being in the light of what we have sacrificed and given up, I was told that I use any means at my disposal to get at those who disagree with me. Disagree all you like, just don’t call me names or cast doubt on my motives. Criticism should be CONSTRUCTIVE.
Here’s what galls me, the person who is not a “proper Catholic” and is some kind of “sell-out”.
Not a proper Catholic? Selling Out?
Two years ago, I lived in a nice big 4 bedroom vicarage. I had lots of friends and was part of a supportive community. Two years on, I have had one unplanned baby and am now expecting another. I’ve had to put my plans to study at University on hold for a year, I might well need to do so again. University is important to me as it is probably the only way I’m ever going to get a job, or any job security. A job/job security is important to me, because we don’t know what the future holds.
There is no guarantee that Robin will be ordained as a Catholic Priest. He is currently being invited to consider his vocation. At present he is working full time long hours for not very much money. He enjoys the job, but it is not enough to support us. We are currently being helped by a charity specifically set up to help convert clergy, but the Ordinariate is an extra drain on their funds and they cannot help us in the long-term. If there is no priestly vocation, then Robin will have effectively “wasted” three years in terms of his career and will need to re-train. I am expecting a baby in August. We are living in Brighton so as not to have to disrupt my 7 year olds schooling and not move her several times. In September, following a cesarian section, Robin will start part-time for 2 years at Wonersh seminary, meaning that he will have to stay over at least one night a week, working a few days in his current job and spending the rest of the time at seminary.
Now he could delay it another year, but that means, just another year of transition of waiting, of uncertainty. We cannot plan for our daughter’s secondary school, we don’t know where we will be living, we can’t plan for the toddler and baby’s school, because we don’t know where we will be living. We will need to be in an area, a year before they start school in order to meet the eligibility criteria. My seven year has no idea when she will be leaving her school, or where she will be going. She is quite anxious about this. I have no idea where we will be living, I have no idea if we will have enough money to live on, I have no idea what we will do if a vocation is not discerned. I hope and pray that it will be, but it’s out of our hands and in the hands of God – we have to accept the outcome, whatever it is. But it is a time of huge uncertainty for us.
We, as a family have given up EVERYTHING, in order that my husband could follow his call across the Tiber. It wasn’t a decision taken lightly, off the back of any particular event in the Church of England, but one that happened gradually over a few years. My husband has 4 theology degrees, including one in Catholic theology from Heythrop, he’s introduced me to a lot of reading, we probably know the magisterium and Catholic teaching better than many ordinary pew-sitters and yet people think it’s acceptable to patronisingly ask “have you ever heard of Humanae Vitae”?
My blog has resulted in rape threats and death threats and poison pen letters. Commentators have called me fundamentalist, extremist, school friends have fallen out with me due to perceived “homophobia”, my mother is desperately embarrassed by me, she rang me up to tell me that if this baby is discovered to be disabled, then I really must have an abortion, in short publicly blogging has brought me nothing other than grief.
I’ve carried on doing it, for the positive comments, for those who have said “I don’t agree but I appreciate your reasoning and I can see that you are not a bigot or driven by hatred”. I’ve done it for those who have privately emailed me and asked for spiritual advice or guidance, for reading matter or for practical help on NFP or abortion issues. I’ve done it because there are people who I know I’ve helped.
But when I am called a traitor, a liberal socialist, not a proper Catholic, a heretic, when I subject to hatred and spite from brethren in Christ, when a self-appointed Pope of Corby, rants and raves, threatens and insults, when his team of hangers-on egg him on and tell me quite what a useless, stupid, thick, self-serving, attention-seeking waste of space and not a proper Catholic I am, when the fact that we are not cradle Catholics is waved about, suddenly, I snap, particularly when this comes from people who are supposed to be on side. When polls are held as to whether or not bloggers should be a part of Catholic Voices, a project for which I gave up my free time and money and energy and for which I have had received diatribes, I begin to lose patience. After all, who decided that the blogosphere should only consist of those in opposition to the CBCEW? What is so wrong about me taking the default view that the Catholic Bishops in this country ARE in accordance with the Catechism?
I was sorting out newborn baby clothes earlier this week. Instead of feeling the usual pang of excitement, I felt nothing but despair. “Oh no, not again” was all I could think. Another long drawn out difficult pregnancy which drains all my physical and emotional resources, just as I was beginning to feel more myself again. More screaming babies, more nappies, more sleepless nights. Three non stop years of pregnancy, breast-feeding and giving birth.
And all the while orthodox Catholics are screaming, ranting, raving, leering, getting their voices of spite in my head, calling me names, spitting poison, venom and fury.
An orthodox blogger said to me privately that I am pouring myself out to help a Church which will eventually hurt me.
What more do I need to say?

Update

Just to add to it all, today I received 2 pieces of bad news. Firstly my nana who is 99 and had to go into a nursing home last year has been diagnosed as being in the final stages of her life.

Secondly and more trivially, never ever buy anything from Dreams. Children’s bunk beds won’t arrive until April, despite being ordered in December and assured of January delivery. As 28 days have elapsed we are not entitled to a refund. So another few months of no sleep.

Just to prove my point, a “Christian” commentator who I’ve never heard of has publically denounced me as a “vile individual”. She goes on to say “I genuinely shudder that people like you speak for me”. You have to wonder why other Christian bloggers are prepared to tolerate this unedifying behaviour on their site. My policy is to stop the comments descending into spiteful bullying.

Apparently my attack on John Smeaton was ‘shameful’. No, it was a public right of reply. It is one thing being slandered by a tuppenny ha’penny blogger, quite another when the leader of a large lobby group outwardly concerned with protecting the unborn, launches into a personal attack on a group of young Catholics for not being “true Catholics”. That is an abuse of his position at the very least. There are still questions needing answers.

The biggest and most bitter irony, is that this is proof enough of the failure of pro-life in the UK. Instead of marshalling forces, Catholics are lining up to pour hate, venom and scorn upon each other. Like any failed movement, it’s tearing itself to pieces. I want no part of this. I am no longer going to read the below-the-line pond-life. It’s spiritually toxic and unhealthy.

A very poor advert for Catholicism and Christianity and a deep wound in the body of Christ. Fortunately I know that these people are thankfully in the minority. The Church in the UK is a thriving group consisting of many young and old, of all nations and races with different liturgical preferences and passions but all united in the love and joy and the peace of Christ. All with a genuine love care and compassion for their neighbour, prepared to roll up sleeves and help, not sit in a darkened and be-cobwebbed room using the Internet to amplify their personal vendettas and disappointments. The Church is not simply lace cottas and thuribles the size of China. It is the body of Christ here on earth and when we damage and wound each other, when we inflict pain and hurt and suffering on others, we do it to Christ himself. Judging the theological purity of others, deciding whether or not someone is a real Catholic and calling someone enduring a great deal of personal suffering and sacrifice through attempting to live a life of witness “vile” and a “pseudo Catholic” is not an act of witness.

I think there is more than one of us in need of prayer and healing tonight.

Posted in Uncategorized | 21 Comments »

The age of reason

January 19, 2012 by blondpidge

The story of Denum Ellarby, the seven-year-old boy with Downs Syndrome who has not been allowed to participate in preparation classes for First Holy Communion is causing controversy this morning, with even some Catholics stating that the Church is shooting herself in the foot.

I have to confess some sympathy, no-one wants to deny anyone the comfort of the sacraments on the basis of a disability, furthermore we know that Jesus does not deny Himself to anyone, so it is not difficult to empathise with his mother and wonder if some remedy could be found.

My eldest is currently undertaking First Holy Communion preparation classes, which consist of bi-weekly classes lasting an hour and half. A lot of emphasis is placed on understanding, in addition to the classes which include a quick revision quiz at the beginning and end, there is also quite a thick accompanying workbook for the children to go through at home and my daughter has been set various tasks, including learning prayers and responses, as well as completing the exercises in the workbook. It goes without saying that we are being scrupulous in terms of ensuring that there are no gaps in her knowledge.

The problem, as I see it, is that preparation for First Holy Communion, ideally requires quite a bit of knowledge. Whilst I am prepared to accept that not all 7 and 8 year olds reach the same level of understanding, all children are required to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation, i.e. make their first confession, prior to receiving the Eucharist for the first time. This requires an understanding of sin, those things we do which separate us from God and an ability to examine our conscience and see those areas where we may have fallen short. Children are not normally deemed capable of reaching the age of reason until about 7 or 8, by this stage, most should be able to understand that telling lies, hitting siblings and other behaviours are bad. Most will understand the concept of right from wrong, even if they are not always capable of curbing their instincts.

If a child is unable to read, write and his speech is unable to be understood by strangers, surely it is quite wrong to place this level of expectation upon him? Surely it would be more wrong, to be able to expect him to do things beyond his abilities and actually quite cruel and unkind to state that someone with a limited understanding must be at the same level as everyone else? Is it fair to assume that he will be able to understand and make a first confession? What if he cannot remember the words of the Act of Contrition and cannot read the words on the card either? Isn’t this placing unfair pressure upon him?

It places the priest in an impossible position, as the priest must somehow believe that the child has made a genuine act of confession and contrition, but without actually being able to glean what the child has attempted to say, or whether he has been able to make an examination of conscience. Or the priest is supposed to waive the requirement for First Reconciliation, which debases the Eucharist itself?

Canon Law states the following:

people must be able to grasp something of what the mystery of Christ means. They must be able to receive the Body of the Lord with faith and devotion. Can. 913.1.

the parish priest must see to it that those who are not prepared and not sufficiently capable, should not come to Holy Communion. Can. 914

Mrs Ellarby states that she does not attend Mass as her son is unable to cope with the service for an hour and she also finds it difficult with her younger child. She has my total sympathy and understanding there. We currently find Mass extremely difficult with a two year old and a baby, the majority of the service is spent running after the 2 year old, or attempting to occupy her with books and crayons. But we still attend nonetheless and our parishioners are very supportive and understanding, having been in similar positions themselves at some stage. Very often a kind parishioner will help, particularly if Robin is reading or whatever. My feeling is that children need to get used to Church, to being in Church and the kind of behaviour that is expected from them from an early age. Mine are far from perfect, the drawback of having two little ones so close together, is that it makes it difficult to concentrate and often distracts the 7 year old. Ideally I’d like to be helping her through the service, instead of either breastfeeding or legging it after a toddler who’s snatched a prayer card from the shrine of St Theresa. But these things pass.

If Mrs Ellarby does not take her son to Church, then how on earth is he expected to have any understanding of what is going on? According to the report on the BBC, he has difficulty in accessing the RE curriculum at school and does not really enjoy mass. So it seems entirely reasonable, that he may not be able to understand the difference between consecrated and unconsecrated bread or receive the Lord with faith and devotion.

It needs to be emphasised that having a learning disability does not preclude one from participating in the life of the Church, nor receiving the sacraments. One of our adult altar servers has quite a severe learning disability and is unable to live an independent life. There are many others I know who are not ruled out.

The Catholic Church is not permanently denying Denum the sacraments, but merely stating that he is not ready yet. That seems entirely reasonable. How is he going to be able to cope with the First Holy Communion Mass, if an hour is too long for him? Does he understand the Easter story? Does he understand that the Eucharist becomes the body and blood of Christ? None of us are in a position to answer these questions, other than the parish priest himself, but of course one way of ensuring that a child has at least had some understanding is that they attend preparation classes, taken by a qualified catechist. This is obviously going to prove tricky, when a child cannot read, write and has difficulty in communication.

It seems that Mrs Ellerby’s reasons for wishing her son to participate in First Holy Communion are predominantly cultural, as she says, it has been a tradition in her family for generations and, quite understandably, she does not want her son to be excluded or left out. But given her son has limited understanding and does not enjoy Mass, one has to ask, for whose benefit is this? For hers or her sons? The sacraments do provide comfort, but only if one has some understanding of what they mean.

As Father Z pointed out, in a similar case a few months ago, “we don’t admit children who are incapable of receiving the Eucharist with faith and devotion simply for the sake of avoiding making parents feel bad.“

Despite its negative connotations, discrimination is not in itself unfair, it simply means the ability to make choices and distinguish between people and situations. At present Denum is judged unable to take part in First Holy Communion, to do so would not be fair upon him, nor the right thing to do. Indeed the Church could be accused of imposing itself on a vulnerable person, who is unable to understand the consequences of their actions. That is grave matter.

Let us all pray that this is a temporary delay, not a permanent state of affairs and that Denum and his family get the support they need to help them become fully participating members of their Church community in order that they may grow in love and faith. In the meantime, Jesus will hold their son, no less close to His Sacred Heart.

Posted in Catholicism, Eucharist | 17 Comments »

Gabriel and Gethsemane

January 13, 2012 by blondpidge

One of the reasons I felt so guilty about struggling with this pregnancy is because I look at the example of Our Lady, who upon hearing the news that she was to conceive, something that could have had grave and life-threatening repercussions for her, adultery carrying the penalty of stoning, was instantly accepting of God’s will, and indeed joyful, giving glory to God in her singing of the Magnificat.

My soul doth magnify the Lord.And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour.Because he hath regarded the humility of his handmaid;for behold from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed.Because he that is mighty,hath done great things to me;and holy is his name. And his mercy is from generation unto generations,to them that fear him.He hath shewed might in his arm:he hath scattered the proud in the conceit of their heart.He hath put down the mighty from their seat,and hath exalted the humble.He hath filled the hungry with good things;and the rich he hath sent empty away.He hath received Israel his servant,being mindful of his mercy:As he spoke to our fathers, Abraham and to his seed for ever.

No evidence of “aargh, what a nightmare, I feel sick, this isn’t really what I wanted, I’m going to be a pregnant bride, not what a planned, oh no, this is such a disaster, everyone is going to hate me, I hate myself, what if I resent the baby, I’m going to have no sleep, I’m exhausted, we’ve got that journey to make to Bethlehem, I’ll be about to drop, they might kill me and it’s not even as if I’ve had sex, it’s so unfair.”

I’ve clearly got some way to go. But with that in mind, I was recalling Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. His acceptance of God’s will was not “right, OK, gee thanks Pops” skipping his way off to Calvary. The Gospels tell us that he prayed in agony in the Garden of Gethsemane, for this burden to be removed from him, he prayed that he might do God’s will, but that God’s will might be something other than the dreadful price that he had to pay. Christ emerges from Gethsemane, covered in sweat, following a night of tortuous agony.

Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me.Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground. Luke 22: 42-45

Which gives rise to the question, why the different responses, and the potentially heretical thought, was Mary more open to the will of God than Jesus?

I think the answer has to be that Mary did not have the same agency of choice as Jesus. She was presented with a fait accompli and told what would happen. Gabriel was simply the messenger, he could not alter what had already been determined. Mary’s response could have been a lot different, her joyful outpouring of praise is proof of her sinless nature and openness to God, but she did not have the option to refuse, due to her lack of sin, just as Gabriel did not have the option to take away her pregnancy. Abortion would not have been an option in 1st century Judea, while there were probably various herbal remedies and preparations available to women, it was not the society of 21st Century Britain, where every pregnancy is deemed to be a matter of personal choice, there wasn’t a handy Marie Stopes offering abortion in every market for 20 denarii. As an orthodox Jew the idea was simply unthinkable, even if one isn’t talking about disobeying God or killing his only unborn son. Mary did not pray for mercy or respite, she did not complain, she rejoiced, in spite of her lack of control. Gabriel tells her “you will”, she could have refused to co-operate, but she is instantly accepting and believing. I think the importance is in the quality of her yes. God prepared her from all eternity to be the mother of the Redeemer, which whilst not taking away her free will.

Jesus, by contrast, had a more overt agency of choice. He prayed, not that his will was done, but that the Father’s will might be obeyed. Theologians have speculated that being the Son of God, Jesus could at any time, have summoned a legion of angels to remove him from the cross. We know that Christ was capable of performing miracles, there is the account in John of when the crowd at Nazareth rejected Jesus, drove him out of the town and to the brow of a hill in order to throw him off a cliff, and yet Christ serenely walked through the surging crowd intent on killing him and on his way. Christ had a choice and he chose the way of the Cross to Calvary; he choose to accept suffering and death for the sake of mankind and it was this choice that caused him so much torment. He was in agony in Gethsemane because he wanted his Father’s will to be something other than a tortuous death, in order to atone for the sins of mankind. Jesus chose to bend his actions to the way of the Father, no matter the personal cost to himself.

Where does that leave me? Somewhere in the middle. As various comments have noted, it’s not as though I had nothing to do with becoming pregnant, unlike our Blessed Virgin. Whilst I can aspire to the response of Mary and look to her as an example, whilst praying for intercession, I can also look at her son, the Redeemer who took on our human frailties and suffers along with us. He too, found it difficult, His was not an easy choice, it was a path beset by pain and suffering, but a price worth paying, one from which he emerged victorious, having done the will of God.

So whilst not on Calvary, I am still somewhere in the garden of Gethsemane, sweating drops like blood, knowing that the choice I’ve made which seems almost unbearable at times and is certainly full of great physical pain as well as fear, anxiety and uncertainty, will ultimately bear beautiful fruit. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is very weak.

Posted in Christianity | Tagged , , | 8 Comments »

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